


Smoke in my hair, flowers in my lungs

by dzinfection



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Comfort, Drinking, Drug Use, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Incest, Lots of tension and drama too, M/M, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Shameless smut a bit later on, Smoking, Violence, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-09-14 04:26:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 42,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16906089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dzinfection/pseuds/dzinfection
Summary: After Ethan and Emma break up, he starts hanging out in new environments. Grayson does his best and Ethan makes some new friends.Also it's early 90s bc I like the vibeIts not as angsty as the tags make it seem but it may be triggering so keep that in mind. Take care! <3





	1. Chapter 1

We finish, sweaty and shaky. She shudders and rolls off of me. We lay in silence for a while, both of us tired and panting before I reach into the nightstand drawer and pull out a pack of ciggarrets. I take one out and offer one to Emma as well. She's a bit hasitant but evantually takes it. I know she's not too fond of my smoking.  Maybe I should care more since we're dating but I really can't be bothered. 

I light the cigarette and inhale the smoke, relaxed. The smoke fills my lungs and then my nostrils as I let it out. I foucs on the feeling and enjoy the silence in the room. It's dark the only light being the yellow street lights behind the window. I think I'm getting sleepy. 

Emma doesn't say anything. She's staring at the ceiling looking thoughtfull. She's pretty. She has a nice, a bit unique face, big eyes and a cute nose. Her brown, long hair is a mess now, the scurnchie barely holding it in a bun.

I look away and focus on tree branches bend by the wind behind the window. 

Emma finishes smoking and puts her cigarette out on my arm. I wince a bit but don't turn to face her. I know she's angry with me, frustrated. I feel the spot on my arm where she put out her ciggarrete sting. A familiar feeling that I don't mind.

"you're not even gonna look at me?" she says quietly, her voice shaky. I close my eyes for a few seconds before turning.  
She looks like she's about to cry and I feel ashamed.  
Well, here we go. 

"we should probably break up" she says. 

I know that. Things haven't been great between us for a while now. This wouldn't be the first time we broke up and got together after a few days or weeks.  
So I nod 

"say something, Ethan." she really looks like she's about to cry now.  
I want to but I find myself at loss for words. There's still smoke in my head, in my ears and in my throat. Emma seems far away even thought she's right here.  
I ask if she wants a ride home.  
Shes already putting on clothes and shaking her head. There are tears in her eyes when she turns to look at me.  
"call me when you like yourself enough to let me in and trust me. Or when you stop going out late without telling anyone, leaving everyone worried sick about you. Or when you quit smoking and then burning yourself and acting like nothing happened, treating everyone who wants to help like shit. Or you know maybe don't, just-- just find someone else who will deal with your bulshit. I'm tired, I'm going home. " she leaves, not bothering to look at me. I hear the door downstairs slam.  
I take a deep breath and look at the ceiling.  
Feel like I want to curl up and dissappear. I know she's right and suddenly I'm frustrated with myself as well. 

Its the sound of the stairs creaking as someone walks up them that wakes me up. And then I realize I only have my boxers on.  
Shit.  
I practically jump out of bed and rush to the closet. I manage to pull a sweatshirt over my head as I hear the door open. 

"You know, you should really open the windows if you're gonna smoke this much." 

"piss off."  I finish getting dressed behind the closet door so he doesn't see me. It was a close call.  
Grayson coughs and goes to open the window.  
"seriously how much did you smoke? Ican barely breathe in here."  
I know he doesn't approve of my smoking either. I may have smoked a few, so what?. I shrug but go to open the other window anyway. 

He must notice how tired I am because he asks  
"you alright?" he always notices

"Emma broke up with me" I say,  not meeting his eyes. "again" I add with a small smile trying to sound unbothered, to lighten up the mood a bit. Trying not to think of the painful blisters forming on my forearm and of her walking out, tears in her eyes.  
He snorts. success.  
"you guys need to figure your shit out."  
He says and I'm almost positive I've convinced him this was just another argument and things will be back to normal in a few days.  
But it's Grayson, my twin brother and he knows me too well. His expression softens and and he puts a gentle gentle arm around my shoulders.  
I guess it's no use trying to convince him i don't care about the breakup. I don't really have any reason to push him away right now. So I don't.  
I lean into him feeling the frustration leave me. He pulls me into a hug. 

"how about you sleep with me and we let your room aerate through the night?"  
He whispers, rubbing my back. I nod. I like sleeping with him despite us being 18 already.  
"shower first, your hair smells of smoke." he says scrunching up his nose but I can sense the smile in his voice.  
I groan and give him the middle finger as I leave his arms and go grab a towel, a clean long sleeved shirt and a pair of boxers. 

Shower feels nice. I wash my face  getting rid of dried tears on my cheeks. I reach for my shampoo only to find the bottle almost empty. I shake it I frustration but nothing comes out, so I decide to borrow Graysons. It smells neat, kinda flowery.  
Is it a womans shampoo? I guess so. Not like I really care but I smile and I know I will tease Grayson about this later.  
I finish showering and go brush my teeth. I can see my arms in the mirror when I approach the sink.  
I can't stop looking. I feel a mix of emotions shame, regret and anxiety at the thought of Graysom finding out. But I'm also a bit fond of the many circle scars and blisters all over my forearms. feeling strange satisfaction and fascination when I look at them. It makes me feel sick.  
I turn away and quickly get dressed. 

 

Graysons already lying in bed, reading. He lowers the book when I approach his bed and scoots over so I can get under the covers next to him.  
"What are you reading?" I put my head on his shoulder.  
He shows me the cover. It's "the sun also rises" by Ernest Hemingway.  
I hum and raise my brows.  
"fancy"  
He scoffs and nudges me with his elbow. I let out a chuckle and look up. He's wearing his reading glasses and he looks really stupid.  
"you smell better" he says.  
"yea I used your girly shampoo."  
"shut up"  
I yawn.  
He smiles and sits up straight pushing me off of him. Takes his glasses off, puts the book on the nightstand and looks at me, silently asking if i want to sleep now. I nod and he reaches for the light.  
"night e" I feel the bed dip under his weight when he lays down next to me. I can barely see him now, dim , yellow street lamps from the outside slighty illuminating his face. But I know he's smiling, that kind, warm smile that he only gives me. So I smile back and hoping he can make out my face in the darkness. I think he does.  
"goodnight" I whisper.  
Grayson reaches out to play with my hair which is still a bit damp from the shower. 

It it's getting too long. I should probably cut it soon. That's the last thought I have before drifting off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go out

The music is growing louder as we're walking down stone stairs. The night is chilly and dark, and I focus on steep, narrow steps trying not to fall. That would be embarrassing, I'm not even drunk yet.  
Exciment is building up in me, the adrenaline making blood flow faster in my veins. I look behind to see Grayson, and he looks a bit nervous. But his eyes are shining giving away that he is just as excited as me. We get to the bottom of the stairs, the music really loud now. I push open the door and red light pouring is out from the inside. I smile.

It was Graysons idea to go out. He said "I needed a distraction" and all that . I was more than eager. He let me choose the place and this one I've heard mixed opinions about. It's said to be too loud, sketchy and full of well, interesting looking people. But it is also, for sure, cheap. I think that's what convinced Gray to come as he was unsure at first. Between the two of us I'm the one more drawn to alternative, edgy even, things and places. But we both like fun and we like parties. 

And I wanna get wasted tonight.

We enter, the door slamming shut behind us. The place is, indeed, loud. The music is pounding in my head. We're surrounded with people chatting, laughing and singing even. There's a lot of smoke in the air making it harder to breathe and the light is red making it a bit hard to see. I feel like I entered a different world. 

I grab Graysons hand and start looking for the bar but he spots it first and starts leading the way. As we walk I turn to the stage. There's some punk band performing tonight and I'm immediately drawn in to the way they play. They're being loud and messy and they're jumping all around the Stage. Looks like they're having the time of their lives.

After pushing through a crowd of people, most of them drunk or high, we get to the bar. Time for the moment of truth. We're still under 21 and, even though we look mature, we get asked for IDs lot. But, no offence, judging by the looks of this place, we're fine.

"What can I get you?" the barman asks.

To be honest, he doesn't look over 21. He's very skinny, looks almost fragile. His eyes and hair are dark, and he's wearing eyeliner and black lipstick making him look a bit gothic.He doesn't have strong features, quite the opposite actually, he's very feminine. Especially his hands, which are nicely manicured. He looks unique for sure. 

We order shots of vodka, because they're the cheapest. He doesn't ask for our IDs, thank god.  
The barman brings our drinks and I hand him some cash. His hand brushes mine as he takes it. I look up at him and he winks at me, a playful smile on his lips.  
Oh.  
He then looks to Grayson, who doesn't seem to notice, and very obviously checks him out.  
Ouch?  
Yea well I could expect that, him being the better looking twin. Should I be jealous right now? I-- of who the gay emo or my brother? Jesus, E.  
I shake my head, trying to forget the weird sensation in my stomach I felt just then.  
The barman looks at me and smirks before turning to someone who just approached the counter.  
I decide the shots were a really good idea. I quickly down two.  
I scoot over closer to Grayson, our knees touching, and pull out a pack of ciggarrets from the inside of my denim jacket. I light one and offer some to Grayson but he shakes his head. I shrug. 

"is it even OK to smoke in here?" I hear him shout over the music.  
He looks concerned.  
And I laugh. Its not even that funny, I just find his constant worrying amusing. He pouts and I blow the smoke in his face.  
"I mean it's pretty cloudy in here so I guess yea?"  
Grayson coughs and starts waving in front of his face to clear the air.  
"that's disgusting" he says, but doesn't really look mad.  
I roll my eyes at him and reach for our shots.  
"Wanna go check out the band once I'm finished smoking? "  
"Yeah" he nods. 

 

The club isn't big so it only takes us a few seconds before we're standing in front of the stage. I can't make out the lyrics but the rhythm is good and I find that I don't give a shit. I start banging my head with the rytmh. This is good. I look at all the band members, now that I have a decent view, being this close to them. I can feel the energy radiating from them as they put their hearts into playing. They're completely engrossed in the music and they're all gorgeous like that. Especially the guy playing the drums. He's dripping with sweat, his dirty blonde hair glued to his forehead and his eyes closed. He looks tired as fuck, but he's smiling, laughing even.  
I've always wanted to play the drums, be in a band. I mean, better start late than never right? I smile at the thought of Gray hearing this. He would call me nuts, probably. Despite trying to stay realistic I begin to imagine myself in the place of the drummer. I'm getting lost in music, forgetting everything and pouring my heart out. He's beautiful, the drummer.  
I imagine myself also being that beutiful. Performing in front of a crowd like him, and the crowd is cheering for me. And I'm drawing people in, getting looks from girls and guys. I mean- from girls. 

Someone bumps into me. Oh. As I was daydreaming a mosh pit started forming around me. Alright I'm down. A person falls onto me and I catch them before they hit the ground. I look down and see a girl, pretty, with dark curly hair. She smiles and winks at me. I help her stand. But, I'm not really interested, right now. I'm not drunk enough yet. But I find myself drawn to the drummer again.  
I imagine myself in his place, but this time Grayson is playing by my side. His brows are furrowed and he bites his lip when he tries to focus on playing. And he's sweaty and I can see his back muscles through his wet shirt. And he's amazing, drawing everyone in. 

Real Grayson brings me down to earth, nudging me in the arm. He gestures towards the exit showing me he needs fresh air.  
I can definitely feel the heat in here.  
I think I need a break as well.  
I tell him to meet me by the bar later and we go our ways. 

The barman brings me a drink with vodka and cola, pretty simple but it works so its good.  
"Thanks-"  
"James" he finishes and rests his elbows on the counter.  
He looks at me with curious eyes. I shift feeling a bit intimidated. It's his aura, and the confidence he radiates despite his small frame.  
"Lost your date?" he asks suddenly.  
I- what..  
"that's not- I mean, we're-- Grayson- he's my brother."  
He laughs. Im confused.  
Also it is hot in here and I'm not blushing.  
"I thought that, I'm just messing with you. You kinda have the same face" he says and after a while adds "but judging by your blush I could be wrong, you know." and he winks at me.  
I mean--  
"Yea well- it was an awkward question" I say, defensive. "we're twins."  
Hes smiling, clearly amused. What a dick.  
"good, so I take it you're single? You're stunning."  
Very direct, ok.  
"You're not really my type."  
He pouts  
"And your brother?"  
"pretty sure he's straight"  
"and you are too?"  
I hasitate. A mistake.  
James is smiling now, looking triumphant. He gives me a knowing look and I blush even more.  
"I am." I say quickly.  
I don't think he bought it. Why did I even hasitate? I like girls. I know when a dude's hot but I've never really had a crush on one. What is this? Emma would ask me if I'm into guys too. Am I?  
James sighs, defeated. He's kinda a good actor bc I know he didn't believe for a second.  
"so can I at least have your name, handsome?" he asks, and I'm grateful he doesn't push it.  
I smile.  
"it's Ethan."  
"lovely" He beams at me. "you know, we're hiring if you'd like to come by more often." I acutually consider this. Hm. He makes two drinks and slides one the counter. The other one, he takes for himself.  
"cheers" he says rising his glass. I raise a brow at him, pretty sure he can't drink when he's working. I sound like Grayson, huh.  
"cheers" I smile and we down our drinks. I decide I like James. He's good company.  
And hes already making another another drink for me. He doesn't really look like the type but I still hope he doesn't drug me. He seems quite unpredictable. We spend a while chatting and as time passes I become more and more tipsy and words are making less and less sense. Words are slurring, tounge heavy in my mouth. And it all starts to get blurry and I feel warmth in my stomach and James is laughing at something I said. Gray should hear this. Its funny, he would laugh. I miss my brother.  
I get up, maybe a bit too fast. My head is spinning and I have to lean on the counter. "you OK?" James asks and he looks concerned, bless him.  
"yeah, be right back. I need to check on Grayson" I tell James and he nods. 

As soon as the door closes behind me I realise that it was very hard to breathe inside. Huh.  
So I light a cigarette. Cigarettes go well with alcohol.  
I walk up the stairs trying really hard not to slip. They are steeper than they were a few hours ago. Has it been hours?  
I'm actually impressed with myself because I make it to the top without falling. I think it's gotten colder. Not like I really mind, feeling very warm on the inside. The city is pretty in the night, with the yellow glow of the street lamps. Right Grayson. Focus. He isn't anywhere in sight so I go round the corner. 

And there he is. Easy. And there's someone with him. That's fine I guess. I recognize the girl that bumped into me in the mosh pit. So she went after my brother? Funny. I giggle. She giggles too and Grayson rubs the back of his neck.  
I should go join them. But I don't move. And they get closer and I suddenly feel like an intruder. I don't think I'm supposed to stand here, watch them. Graysons leans in to kiss her and she warps her arms around his neck. The kiss quickly deepens. I feel like a creep now. God I am an idiot. He doesn't care. He didn't bother checking on me. I begin to think that maybe, maybe he wouldn't be having fun tonight if it weren't for the girl who was now showing her tongue down his throat. He's not even drunk and he- he left me at the bar and went after this random chick. I feel my throat tighten and I'm angry and sad and hurt. And I- I want to be somewhere else.  
I turn on my heel and leave.  
Tears forming in my eyes. God its the alcohol. I hope its the alcohol making me this emotional. I hope its the alcohol flipping my stomach and making me sick, when I see them together. Its gross. They're gross. Im gross, too.  
I roll up my sleeve. Put out the cigarette, but it's still lit so I put it out a few more times. Just to be sure.  
I feel sick. I do. 

Shit. 

 

I get to the bathroom just in time. I don't even bother locking the stall. My throat is burning as I puke my guts out. It's disgusting and it hurts. My knees are trembling, I feel weak.  
  
I vomit again. It's warm as it flows from stomach and through my throat. All the drinks James made for me, are now going into the toilet, together with anything else I've eaten today. It burns so bad and I want to cry. I feel awful.  


it must be a pathetic sight. I try to catch breath before next wave of puke.  
And the barthroom door opens. Shit.

I puke again when someone opens my stall. That was the last one I hope. My stomach is empty now and I feel relieved. 

"oh wow"  
I look up and then freeze in place. Despite the world being blurry I recognize him. Its the bands drummer. I close my eyes unable to look him in the eyes.  What the hell... 

"well, this is embarrassing." I manage to say. Maybe it's not him. The music is no longer playing. It's him. Shit. 

"I mean-" he starts fidgeting and I wonder why the hell he still hasn't left my stall. "I'm into it." 

Oh. Wow.  
I open my eyes wide, shocked. He's smirking and I- what?  
Are we really doing this then?  
"you're hot" i say. I then mentally slap myself. I sound so dumb, The fuck Ethan?  
He chuckles.  
"you too."

"cool"  
"yeah" 

And he kisses me. I kiss him back because hes hot and that's a fact. And it's a distraction yea? He brings his mouth to my ear and breathes in the scent of my hair. I hope. Its not too pukey, though he probably wouldn't mind. "flowers? " he smirks. Shut up. I kiss him and hope it gets the message across. It does. 

He kisses me back and our teeth clank and its messy and dirty as hell but I like it.  
So maybe I am not 100% straight. So what?

"the stall--" I manage to say between kisses, breathless. "we should-"  
He sucks on my neck and I gasp.  
"lock the stall" I whisper into his mouth. 

He nods and reaches behind him. The lock clicks. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after

I wake up very early in the morning, its still dark outside. I feel like i didn't sleep at all.  
Happens when you drink that much.

There are arms wrapped around my middle, a body pressed up against mine. I dont think much of it. It's warm, it feels nice. I sigh and lean further into the embrace.  
But i only get to enjoy the moment so much, beacuse a few seconds later my head starts pounding and my mouth feels dry.  
Aaand here it is, the hangover. Cool.  
I reach for the nightstand but there is no water. I was probably too drunk to remember to get some yesterday. Honestly I don't remember much, I may have blacked out.  
I hear a yawn and the arms pull me in, closer. I turn around and I see Grayson. 

Oh.  
Shit, did he see..?  
I look down at myself. I am still wearing the clothes from yesterday. So he didn't bother changing them for me. It might be alright, maybe he doesn't know about the blisters. Thank god. Surely, he would've waken me up if he found them right? I sigh in relief. 

Still, i dont remember falling asleep next to Grayson under blankets on top of his bed covers. Was it that bad yesterday that he carried me or did i just pass out when i laid down? Whatever, I really need to get up. My mouth feels like a desert. 

I try to lift his arm, but his grip is firm. So i shake his shoulder.  
"Grayson, move"  
\- nothing. I only get a snore form him.  
"Gray!" i say, louder this time, trying to get him off. "Let go of me, asshole."  
He opens his eyes just a little bit and grimaces, clearly upset that im trying to wake him up.  
"Ethan, what-"  
I interrupt him by pushing on his arm so that i can get up.  
"just- I'll be back ok?" I don't even know why i said that. But he seems pleased and hums, a small smile appearing on his lips. He's always been the more cuddly one out of the two of us. 

As soon as I get up, I rush to the bathroom. I really need water or i'll die. And im not exaggerating.  
I go for the sink because Im tristy and i don't give a shit. Tap water is good here anyway.  
Hell, this might be the best water I've ever drank.

I realize a little too late, that I may have drank too much. I feel the watter getting stuck in my throat. Also my head is spinning because i got up too fast. Oh, this isnt good.  
I get to the toilet as fast as i can. I puke. And i puke water beacuse there is nothing else left in my stomach. I didn't even know you could get sick from drinking too much water. 

"Hangover, huh? " Grayson asks from his room still in bed, sounding sleepy. And amused too, that dickhead. Was it the sound of my puking that woke him up completely? Sweet. 

I want to tell him to shut up but im interrupted by more water going up from my stomach.  
"oh wow" Grayson is now leaning on the doorway, looking sympathetic.  
Am i being delusional beacause of the hangover or is this familiar?  
My eyes widen at the sudden realization, memories from last night coming back. 

Gray making out with that girl. The sick feeling in my stomach. The guy walking in on me as im puking my guts out in the bathroom. Us making out. Him getting on his knees, his hand covering my mouth. Him telling me to stay quiet in a low, smoky voice. My breath hitching. My cock in his mouth. Him getting up after, whiping his mouth and whispering in my ear, that id pay him back later. The shiver running through my body. His breath on my neck.  
Him complimenting my shampoo, Graysons shampoo.

I..  
I stare at Grayson, completely at loss for words.

Is it weird that i woke up next to him like that? We cuddle all the time, why would it be weird now?  
Maybe because i got a bjob from a guy last night and i enjoyed all of it. It was pretty damn awesome.  
Should i be thinking about Grayson and getting blown by a dude at the same time? Ew, hell no. 

"you ok?" Graysons asks.  
He actually looks concerned. He has bags under his eyes, he didn't get much sleep too. Its like what, 5 am? Way too early. And he has dried drool on his chin which makes him stupid. Also his hair is a mess, but that I actually like. Mornings are the only part of the day he lets it be this messy. I dont get to see that often, i usually sleep in. 

"E?" 

Crap im staring, i look like an idiot. 

"yea no, I'm just puking all the water i drank, Im great" I say, my words dripping with sarcasm. I try to cover up how awkward and umcomfortable i just felt. Grayson shakes his head clicking his tongue.  
I take a deep breath before standing up and going to wash my face. And my teeth, too.  
"You shouldnt drink this much you know?" He says. 

Really? Give me a break. 

"Wasn't that the point last night?" i reply, irritated. God i hate when he pulls that responsible adult shit on me. I can take care of myself.  "Or was it to bail on your brother to make out with girls behind a garage?"  
His eyes widen and he blushes violently. God, he is so cheesy.  
He doesn't look at me anymore.  
I roll my eyes at him.  
"oh come on now you're embarrassed? You looked like you had fun showing yout tongue down her throat." All the anger i felt yesterday comes back. 

He rubs his neck, and i know he's ashamed. Good.  
"why- i mean.. you saw?" he asks, shy. " why did you watch?"  
I-- what?  
I dont know what to say. I didn't do that!  
Its my turn to blush. God, my face is burning. 

"N-no, I-- Grayson, what? I didnt, god- i didnt creep on you!"  
Now he is just as red as i am.  
"And just- this- this isnt about that! Its about you disappearing without telling me anything. You-you couldve told me if you wanted to leave earlier! " i raise my voice, it comes out high-pitched, higher than i wouldve liked.  
I need to get out. This is so awkward.  I try to walk past him but he blocks me in the doorframe. 

"No no you're right, look E I'm- I'm sorry, just just wait ok?"  
I don't wanna hear this now. My head is so heavy it feels like its going to explode.  
"forget it, ok? I dont give shit." I dont even try to sound unbothered. He looks hurt. 

"Ethan please-"  
" I need to lay down, Grayson. My head hurts." i say not looking at him. I sneak under his arm and get out of the bathroom. He turns, trying to follow me.  
"Do you still wanna.. I mean-- do you want nap together?" he says after me, sounding hopeful. What even is he trying to do?  
I glance at him and he looks small.  
Is he trying to play the victim card? I cant do this right now. I sigh.  
Am i being a brat? Maybe  
But did he bail on me? Yea, he did.  
So i dont care, im allowed to be angry. 

"I don't" 

 

When i wake up again its already the afternoon. My head still hurts but its much more tolerable now. I dont wanna get up though.  
And so i lay with my eyes closed trying remember everything about last night.  
Ok so, Grayson bailed on me whatever. James is cool. I got a blowjob and it was great but i dont even know the dudes name. And i told him id get him back.  
I dont even know how to suck dick. Why the hell did i agree?  
I sigh. How late is it? The flat is very quiet but I can hear the tv downstairs. Graysons probably been up for a while now. I sit up and turn my light on. I like to have my blinds shut when i nap and my room is so dark i can barely see.  
I notice a waterbottle and some hangover pillson my nighstand. I didnt bring those, must have been Grayson. Thanks, Gray.  
I smile, it was nice of him to leave them here. Maybe i was being a little extra earlier.  
I pop some aspirin for the headache and decide to go downstairs.  
And if Grayson doesn't want to hang out i could go for a walk or sth. I grab a jacket and check the pockets for ciggarrets. I have two left.  
I need to buy a new pack.  
Grayson is laying on the couch and hes watching tv like i thought, but he looks in my direction when i enter the room. He probably knew i was coming, the stairs in our apartment are squeaky and old as balls. The whole apartment is old, we got it ridiculously cheap. It could be haunted for all i know. 

,,So.. Youre up" Grayson says, sounding a bit unsure. "are you feeling better now? " 

"yeah um.." i avoid his gaze "thanks-- for the pills and all that." 

"sure." 

He looks at me with warmth in his eyes. They're a deep shade of brown, almost the same as mine. His have slightly more hazel tone and mine are almost black. He looks apologetic like he did before i went to aleep this morning. 

I shouldn't have yelled. He always takes things to heart. 

"im sorry i yelled." I mean it. Just stop looking at me like this.  
"Dont worry about it" He lets out air and looks relieved. He even smiles a little bit. "Were you going out?" he points to the jacket in my hand.  
Oh yea i was.  
I shift feeling a bit awkward.  
"i was going to, yeah." i bit my lip. "For a smoke you know." i add quickly. I dont want him to worry and think im gonna come home late.  
He nods but seems like he wants to say something more. So I wait, looking at him expectantly. He keeps silent so i raise a brow at him, question in my eyes. 

"You wanna go together?" he finally says. "And then we could go borrow a movie or something . If you'd like to." he sounds hopeful.  
And honestly, yeah im down. I dont like when there's tension between us.  
"yeah, sure." i say.  
He beams at me and gets up from the couch turning the tv off.  
"ill go grab my jacket, just give me a sec."  
He exits the room in hurry and as he passes me by i cant help but smile. Im glad were ok again.  
Lets just forget the other night.

 

"that was so stupid!" i drag a hand across my face but really im smiling.  
Gdayson laughs. The credits begin to roll and the music fills the room. I reach for the pilot to turn the tv off.  
It's past midnight, we just finished wathcing the movie. We decided on Troll 2, for shits and giggles really. Ive heard some things about it since it came out almost 3 years ago.  
We knew it was a crappy movie. It was absurd and silly but i loved every second of it. To be honest it was hilarious.  
I look to Gray and i can tell he got a kick out of it as well. I take a slice of pizza and sit back on the couch and he puts his head on my shoulder.  
We ordered some to go with the movie. Spending the evening witg Gray was probably the best decision I've made in a long time. 

"im glad you're not mad about yesterday anymore." he says, and i hear the smile in his voice. I hum.  
"it wasn't even worth it, she was way too drunk. I think i may be desperate." he looks up and makes a face at me.  
I laugh. He's such a goofball. 

"Pretty sure ive seen like 10 other girls check you out." well not only girls but I keep that to myself. I dont know if it would make him uncomfortable, but james was definetely down to bang. "You just dont know who to go for."  
"next time, maybe" Grayson smirks. "so where were you exactly? When i went to look for you i couldnt find you anywhere." he says, looking at me with curious eyes. 

I can't exactly say i was vomiting and then making out with the bands drummer.  
"well um, at the bar?"  
He seems to buy it.  
"oh yeah, with that barman. He looked kinda gay, didnt he?"  
Kinda is maybe not the word i wouldve used. He was obviously very gay. I laugh.  
"yeah, no shit." 

Grayson doesnt have a problem with gays right? I never thought about it until now.

"speaking of which" he smirks again "i may have walked in on some guys going to town in the bathroom when i was looking for you" 

Um  
What  
Was that me? Does he know..? 

I look at him with wide eyes but he doesnt seem disgusted, mostly amused. 

"and im the creep for catching you making out?" i joke trying to cover up how nervous i am. Im not religious but im praying to god he didn't see me. I dont want him to know that i may be into guys yet. I dont even know if i really am.

"I-i walked out right away!" he blushes "but i felt pretty awkward, still. Did you have to pick a club with no social rules that say don't do sexy things in a disgusting public bathroom and make people who come pee embarrassed?  
"youre just a virgin" i laugh and the pushes me but i know he's smiling too. 

So he doesnt know it was me. Thats good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Troll 2, really is a hilarious movie check it out ;))


	4. Chapter 4

James was very happy to see me again. Suprised, sure, but he remembered me shortly. It's friday and it's been a week since we last saw each other.

I showed up before Kiss officially opens beacuse I had no idea how else i would be able to meet him. Kiss is the name of the place he works at in case that wasn't clear.  
Thankfully he was already there and let me in.  
I am now sitting by the counter on a bar stool watching him wipe whiskey glasses dry. He looks different now that he has no makeup on, way less edgy. But his aura is still there.

"so you really would be interested? This is a first"

Whats that supposed to mean? 

He finishes drying a glass and puts in on the shelf under the counter. 

"I mean you said you were hiring, so I thought it wouldn't hurt to try" i shrug "i could really use some extra money now anyway"

He smirks at that but doesnt comment.

So what, its not uncommon for people my age to struggle financially. Extra money would be nice - cute customers a bonus.  
And there is also one more thing-- I haven't been able to stop thinking about last weeks events. The hot drummer, if im being specific.  
And i mean James is as gay as they get so if he cant help me, who can? 

"and besides--" i begin, feeling nervous. I fiddle with my hands in my lap.  
James is looking at me curiously, eyeborws slightly raised. He gestures for me to continue.  
Am i sweating?  
Get a grip, jeez, just spit it out. 

"ineedyoutoteachmehowtogivehead" I look away immediately. This is so embarrassing I dont even know him that well.  
James blinks, taken aback a little. 

"what? Can you-"

"-Fine, fine." i sigh and hiding my face in my hands. Is he messing with me? I take a deep breath before sitting up straight but i still avoid looking him in the eyes. 

"I need to know how to suck dick. Help me" i say cringing. Really? What i am even doing? "please" i add.

James stares at me blankly, frozen in place. And then he laughs. I feel myself becoming even more red than i was if thats even possible. He continues to laugh, there are tears forming in the corners of his eyes. What an ass.  
He wipes away the tears and looks at me funny. I shift in my seat. Why do i have to always make mysleft look like a clown? 

"i see." james says "so im guessing Ryan found you?"

"who?" i ask confused. 

"well you know-" he waves his hand in the air "the very attractive punk drummer?" 

Um What? They know each other? 

"what?" i say again but this time out loud.

"Yeah well, he was looking for you. I told him to check the bathroom" he winks at me.

I blush violently and drag a hand across my face. This just keeps getting better, huh?  
James laughs again. 

"hey, you're welcome. Its not everyday that a person you keep staring at notices you, and in a crowd, too." he grins. 

"was i really staring that much?"  
So I guess James knows everything huh? This is fine, I don't have anything to lose anyway. All the dignity I had left flew out the door the moment I asked him for blowjob tips. 

"according to Ry, yea." 

Great

"But hey--" he puts his hand on mine, trying to comfort me. "-- he didnt really mind that now, did he?" 

"No, I guess not." 

James beams at me and I smile as well. Now that I think about this, it's kinda funny. 

"thanks" 

"my pleasure" james winks at me. 

He's really chill about the whole thing. For all I know he could kick me out the door when I started asking inappropriate questions. But to be honest this probably isn't too weird to him, he works in this obscure place after all. Who knows what kinda people come here.  
I guess im about to find out. 

"but you know-" he goes back to wiping glasses "you'll have to hurry if you wanna get with him again. The band is leaving on tour next month."  
What? 

"next month?" i say in disbelief

"Yup" he says, popping the 'p'. "but i can always hook you up with options" He wiggles his eyebrows at me and I try to ignore it. My mind is racing. 

"i won't become good at sucking dick in a month! How do i even practise?" 

He taps his chin, looking thoughtful.

"well you know you could always skip the foreplay" I look at him clueless so he gestures vaguely "let him fuck you?"

I gape at him in shock. No fucking way! There's a line!

"w-what? I- no! This is out of question! I-I dont even, just-- no! " 

"okay, okay fine" he puts his hands up in defence, but he is clearly smirking. God, I am so easy to embarass. He sure gets a kick out of it.  
He clears his throat.  
"so what i would suggest-"

"keep it pg please"

"fine, fine. You know, its best to practise on something. Like idk maybe a banana?"  
I groan. 

"this is ridiculous" 

"is that too much for you too?" He smirks. I blush again. 

"shut up"

"ouch" he puts his hand on his chest, pretending to be hurt. "A person is another option. Someone you can trust, you know" he winks at me but i stopped paying attention.

There is one person that comes to mind actually, but i mean--how would that even work?  
Someone i could trust, right. Like Gray-

"like me" James finishes the sentence in my head for me.  
I come back to earth quickly. Of course he meant himself. I shake my head.  
What was i even thinking? Grayson would think I'm crazy. God, what is going on with me? Maybe I am going crazy. 

"maybe the banana isn't so ridiculous." I mumble feeling like giving up.  
He looks a bit disappointed. Hey, I'll think about it. 

"A month is plenty of time, it'll be fine. I can get you his number? Mine comes gratis" He suggest, trying to lighten up the moon. 

"yeah thanks" I manage to smile at him. 

He winks at me again and goes back to work. Oh, right work. 

"So uh-" I try change the subject, anything to get boys off of my mind. "when i can start working here? 

"Oh yeah" seems like James forgot as well. "you can help me right now actually since you're so eager." 

Sure. I hop over the counter careful not to knock anything over. James still gasps and looks at me in shock.

"ok rule number one" he says holding up his finger"no more of that."  
I smirk at him and he playfully slaps me in the shoulder.

"asshole" i hear him mutter under his breath. He throws me a clean rag and gestures to the sink. "you can start wiping the glasses, i'm gonna go tell Ian you'll work here now." 

"who's Ian?" i shout after him but he's already left the room.   
So i go back to drying the glasses. Wait does that mean I start working right away? Like, now? Should i call Grayson about that? I only told him i was leaving for a job interview i didnt say where. 

This is going to be interesting. 

 

I soon find out that Ian is, in fact, James' younger brother and that they work together. 

First thing I notice about him is that they're not really similar besides the face and the frame maybe. James is very flamboyant in everything he does: the way he walks, his mannerism, his high pitched laugh-everything in general. To put it shortly: he's a stereotypical gay guy with lots of energy and charisma. 

Ian on the other hand, has none of James' energy. He seems more laid back and quiet, like the first random guy you pass on the street. He doesnt srike me as a person who srands out the way Jamea does. 

The second thing i notice about him is his voice. And boy, is it deep. Looking at him and knowing James i would never suspect it to be that low. Especially since he's the younger brother.  
I find it kinda funny but also kinda attractive. 

At first nor Ian nor James seem like the kind of people I would hang out with but I find myself warming up to them very quickly.  
We spend the evening together and even manage to get everything done way before the club is supposed to open. 

"so Ethan" James says, putting last remaining bottles on the shelf "are you staying for the night?" 

Ok, ignoring how suggestive the question sounded--should I? 

"I wasnt planning on that" i say slowly, considering the offer. "but uh, maybe--" 

"its fine you dont have to." Ian cuts me off. 

I shoot him a grateful look. To be honest i wasn't feeling up to staying here until the morning. And I already told Grayson i would be home late and he didn't seem to approve. Not like i care. 

"another time" I reply. "i should get all the formalities down first and all that, right?" 

"yeah well" james shrugs "there isnt much to do. But Ians right you dont have to stay"  
He doesn't look too upset which is good. I actually want us to get along. 

James' eyes suddenly lit up and he claps his hands. Ian looks to him and then groans. I dont really know what going on? 

"well, since we have some time left-" James begins, enthusiasm clear in his voice.

"oh god" I hear Ian mutter and James shoots him a glare.

"--well since we have some time on our hands we could get ready for the night, huh?"

He looks at me expectantly and i dont know what I'm supposed to say.

"uh yeah?" i reply, confused.  
Seems like this is the answer he wanted. He beams at me, grabs my hand and begins leading me to the storage room behind the bar.  
Ian rolls his eyes but follows us quickly. 

James turns the lights on, but it barely any use since its so dim. The room is quite dark, furniture and all that. Also the air in here is a bit more dense than in the rest of the club.  
James gestures to the old leather couch by the wall and I go sit down, completely confused by now.  
Ian takes the place next to me and out of the corner of my eye i can see that hes smiling.  
I open my mouth to ask him what exactly is going on but James interrupts me, walking into the room. He's holding an eyeshadow pallete and some brushes.  
He looks at me expectantly. 

"May I?" 

I hasitate. I've never morn makeup. Just because i might be into some guys doesn't mean i wanna go full on gay.  
James must've noticed how uncomfortable i felt because his expression falls a bit.

"oh cmon I'll make it look good. You can trust me." 

I look to Ian for help but he just shurgs. 

"Go for it." he says. "James really is good with makeup."  
I noticed that last week. I just don't know if it would suit me. 

"I honestly don't know why you haven't ditched barmaning yet." Ian says, turning to James. 

James laughs nervously and rubs his neck. He quickly gets himself together though and looks to me again.  
Whatever, let's just do this.  
I nod and he smiles widely. 

"Lovely" he says rubbing his hands together. 

 

I end up with some eyeliner but that's mostly it. James didnt go overboard at all. It's also not a sharp, clean winged liner he was wearing.  
He smuged mine and smoked out my eyes. He also touched up my brows and skin but managed to keep it more or less natural.  
After looking in the mirror and seeing that it was all fine I agreed to let him add some dark lipgloss in the inner part of my mouth. He smudged it as well making my lips look at bit vampire-esque. Honestly, he did a good job.

I didn't get called names on the way home like I thought I would. I did get some stares, but that's about it.  
Maybe I neednt have worried, punks wear makeup all the time, right? 

I get home later than i wouldve liked despite hurrying as much as i could. Oh well. 

I quietly close the door behind me, careful as to not make too much noise. The floor still creaks as I make my way to the stairs. I stop by the living room.  
The light is on and I find Grayson asleep on the couch. There's a book opened, next to his head. I smile at the sight.  
He really is trying to get through that book, huh? He's not the best at reading so seeing that he got this far makes me a little bit impressed.  
I shake his shoulder lightly, trying to wake him up. 

"hey, Gray. Lets move to bed." 

He doesnt react so I consider carying him. I prepare myslef mentaly and settle next to him trying to figure out how exactly im going to do that. 

Hes heavier than me for sure. 

I throw his arm around my neck and wrap mine around him. The other arm i slide under his thighs.  
He shifts a little bit but doesnt wake up. Soon i am ready to lift him up, more or less. I start to raise but he shifts again, pressing his side right into my arm, popping some of the fresher blisters.  
I hiss in pain and let go of Grayson. He falls to the couch dragging me down with him. I land on top of him and his eyes shot open. 

This is so embarrassing. 

I stare at him, my face buring. He grimaces, looking sleepy and confused. 

"what are you doing?" he asks already closing his eyes again. 

"N-nothing just trying to wake you up." i say getting up quickly. He pouts and reaches out for me, dragging me down again. 

"are you wearing makeup?" he asks, opening his eyes and looking at me curiously. 

"um yeah?" i reply unsure.  
God I'm so awkard. 

"looks good" he smiles at me and for a while he looks different. I cant put my finger on it but there is something odd in the way he says that. I shrug trying to be as nonchalant as I can. 

"obviously." 

He rolls his eyes at me and then closes them, falling asleep again. 

Ok, so maybe he can stay here, whatever. I get up to turn off the light. I also grab some blankets on the way and throw them over him. It's kinda chilly in here.  
I stand over him for a while, admiring how peaceful he looks. 

After giving it a second thought a push him to the side and slide under the blanket next to him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He cries, 'tell me, tell me what you feel.'  
> And I cannot. There is blood in my eyes, in my head. Words are drowned."  
> — Anaïs Nin, Henry and June
> 
> Let's get this bread

Everyone does stupid shit for love. And everyone does stupid shit when they're a kid. Combine the two and you'll be cringing for years after. 

One time, in middle school, there was this girl I had a huge crush on. I was chasing after her for like a year. So you could imagine that when she agreed to go out if me I was over the moon. And when she told me I'd have to do a dare first I didn't think twice. 

I can eat gross stuff, do dangerous shit and all that, I've been doing it my whole childhood. But she didn't ask for any of that. She told me to kiss a boy. It was weird and I was a bit taken aback but at this point I was kinda desperate. So I did what she told me too. I kissed a boy and it felt just like any other kiss. It wasn't gross. 

At least that's what I thought. The girl, my crush, she called me sick. And not sick as in cool. It didn't matter it was her who dared me. I was the perverted one. 

She didn't go out with me. Obviously. She probably thought I would be too grossed out and give up. Sometimes I wish I had done just that. 

Kids can be cruel. Rumours spread quickly and soon everyone knew, including the teachers. And somehow my parents found out.  
They didn't say much at first. I couldn't read their faces. I didnt know what they thought of me.

I found out later when I got in an argument with my dad and he hit me. He never stopped after that. He just found different reasons to take his anger out on. And i thought back, after a while I did but it was never the way I'd fight with other kids. I could win with the other kids. I could never win with him. 

Next person to hit me beacuse they thought I was gay was this guy I tried to blow. I mean, I suppose he did have his reasons.  
See, I'm not very good at spotting potentialy interested dudes. James told me it comes naturally to him, so I thought it would to me as well. He offered to help and I told him to piss off, thinking any gay guy would let me know. 

Turns out that is not the case. I've taken like 5 hits to face a got an ugly black eye before I swallowed my words and asked James for help.  
And even with that I keep embarrassing myself when I try to blow them, usually earning at least a shove or an insult. 

But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do to get a hang of sucking dick.

 

I look over to a guy sitting by the other end of the counter. He's been staring all night, I honestly don't know if he wants to fuck me or beat me up. Judging by his weird glance could be either.

James notices me looking in the guys direction and winks at me.  
Oh piss off. 

He walks past me to get to the storage and on his way he leans in to whisper in my ear.  
"queer" he says with a smirk. I've figured it out, thanks. I may be getting a hang of this.  
I raise my brows at him sending him a 'yeah no shit' look. He just shrugs, his smile growing bigger and dances away into the storage.  
He's so flamboyant sometimes, I can't believe I'm the one coming home with a black eye. 

Grayson thinks I'm getting into fights again.  
He was really upset when I told him I was going to work ar Kiss. We argued and he told me I was being irresponsible, that the place was sketchy and that they shouldn't even let underage people in, moreover offering them a job. He said I was either going to get beat up or get scammed. That I was gonna turn into a junkie if I kept hanging out with them and that he wasnt going to pick me off the streets later. At that I walked out, slamming the door.

Grayson can really get on my nerves sometimes, especially when he's acting like he knows it all. I can take care of myself, I'm not a baby. So what if the place is a bit sketchy, a job is a job. I'm not a junkie for working, jesus.

Things only got worse between us when I came home with a bruised jaw and a black eye.  
“I told you so” was all he had to say to me. I don't know what else I had been expecting, that was so typical of him. But still, it pissed me off more than anything he's done recently.  
I told him to fuck off and then I started borrowing makeup from James to cover up any bruises I'd get. I don't know if he's noticed. I've been coming home late and avoiding him so maybe he hasn't. 

Whatever, really, even if he did, i couldn't care less. If he wants to act like im so impossible and stupid and risky when I'm not even doing anything wrong then I don't want to talk to him. And i haven't in the past week or so. 

 

I glance to the guy and catch him staring at me again. He's hot. A bit weird, sure, but also really good looking. He has dark, messy hair and dark bushy eyebrows. His features are strong, his jawline sharp. He has a bit of a Roman appearance except for his eyes, which are icy grey. And God, they're intense.  
I decide to just go for it.

I walk over to Ian who's being chatted up by some drunk girls. He frowns at me when i approach him and I gesture to him asking if we can talk on the side. 

One of the girls winks at me. Shes cute but i have some other plans in mind for tonight. I'm still amused at how quickly i changed targets but hey, it's good to switch things up once in a while. I let Ian know I'm gonna go hit on that guy and that i may disappear for a while. He just nods and waves me off, already used to me taking my bjob breaks and clearly wanting to go back to the girls. Kinda embarrassing he knows about me too, but there wasn't any way around it. He was chill about it anyway, he's James' brother after all. 

Alright, time to seduce another one.  
I'm feeling more nervous than usual. Just this guys aura. His eyes feel like they can look through me and into my soul.  
I light a cigarette to relax a bit and walk over to him. 

"hey" i say nonchalantly, hoping that my voice doesn’t sound shaky and if it does that the music drowns it. 

He raises his eyebrows at me, rising the corner of his lips in a cocky smile.  
"wanna get out of here?" i ask, hoping he’ll get the hint. Well, it's not really a hint I’m being pretty blunt. 

He looks like he's contemplating my offer.  
"look" i say feeling impatiently. What's his deal? "I'll blow you. You down or no?"  
I'm starting to sound like James. 

He laughs shortly at that and looks at me curiously.  
"Yeah” he says finally, his voice makes me a bit weak in the knees. It's raspy and low.  
I tell him to wait and make my way around the counter. The cigarette I'm smoking is almost gone when I get to him. He takes it out of my mouth and finishes it in one final drag. He then puts it out on the counter. What an ass.  
I furrow my brows.  
“We have ashtrays you know?” I say. Ian would kill me if he saw, he's the one cleaning up after tonight. I glance to him but he's engrossed in his flirting, not bothered to look in my direction.  
Whatever, I shrug it off. It's not that big of a deal. 

The guy grabs my hand and leads me outside. I frown at that, I was aiming for the bathroom, but fine. The cold air outside hits my face and for once I'm glad I'm not on the receiving end of the blowjob. My dick would freeze off. 

Once we get to a more private place, I push him onto the wall to kiss him. He gives in, a bit reluctantly, but he does. My hands begin to roam over his body, feeling his shoulders and his chest. They slide down his back and briefly touch his ass before he stops me.  
He grabs them and puts them on his hips. I'm a bit taken aback but I stop.

“just get to it” He whispers in my ear, sounding annoyed.

That's not very romantic, I was just getting in the mood.  
I get on my knees and reach for his zipper. I look up at him to see if he's ready but he isn't even looking at me. He's checking the area, probably to make sure we are alone.

So I just get to it. I take out his hardening cock and wrap my mouth around it. His breath hitches hopefully from my mouth and not the cold ass air.  
He grabs me by my hair, pushing me further onto him. This isn't the first time someone does that to me but it still makes me gag when a cock goes in way too deep, hitting the back of my throat. 

He doesn't seem to notice and doesn't let go of my hair so I try to get a grip and do a good job. I slowly back away licking along his length before taking him in again. I focus on his tip when I get to it, sucking harder and pushing my tongue into the slit. He gasps and I smile. So far so good.  
I try to use my teeth, dragging them lightly over his dick, the extra skin riding up slightly. He's dripping and I'm actually enjoying the taste. Despite my jaw starting to hurt already.  
He shivers and I feel like he's close. This would be a first successful one.  
He grabs my hair, forcing me to take him in again. And he does it so unexpectedly that I drag my teeth down his dick with more force than I probably should. I also gag loudly.  
He curses out in pain and shoves me away. I land on the grass, gasping for air. My jaw and throat are sore and I feel like I'm going to puke. 

“The fuck was that?! “ he shouts.  
I was about to ask the same, actually. He quickly hides his cock back in his pants and zips them up. He honestly looks a bit lost and panicked and I can see regret in his eyes.  
I scoff, beacuse this is ridiculous. 

“Is this funny to you?” He asks, his eyes narrowing.  
He's also red in the face from embarrassment or anger, I can't tell. 

I shake my head, my throat still hurting too much to speak. I dont think he cares though.  
He takes advantage of me lying on the grass and kicks me in the ribs. I roll onto my back, too surprised to react. Then he steps on my face with full force.  
I hear a crack. The world goes black around me for a second and then I feel something warm starting to flow down my face.  
I grab my face, the pain too much to handle. There is a sticky liquid on my hands and oh, right I'm bleeding. A lot. 

“faggot” He says hovering above me but I can barely make out the words, feeling like he's far away.

It hurts so much. Did he break my nose?  
Blood keeps pouring onto hands, flowing down my face and dripping into my mouth. I taste the iron on my tongue, where I had his dick just a few seconds ago. 

What an asshole.

 

“Ohh myy Goood” James sings when I come to him for help. His eyes are wide and he looks terrified.  
Well, shit.  
“Is it bad?” I manage to ask, my hand muffling my voice a little. I'm still holding my face and it still hurts like hell.  
He nods and tries to pry my hands off. I don't wanna find my nose on the floor, so I don't let go. But he shoots me a glare and I reluctantly comply.  
Judging by his grimace it easily could be already falling off onto the floor. I check, just in case. There's blood on the tiles but no nose in sight. Thank god. 

He goes to grab a clean rag and presses it onto my nose. I wince in pain and my face starts to hurt with new force. Wow, thanks for that. 

The rag smears and soaks up the blood getting it all over me. I don't care, it's already dirty from the ground and the dude’s shoe. My clothes are bloody too.  
I feel like shit and everything hurts. 

James sends me home. He tells me I need to get propely cleaned up and all that. I try to protest, because I don't want Grayson to see me like that. James doesn't back down though. And with Ian on his side, I'm forced to leave. 

 

I enter the flat trying to be as quiet as I can. I hear Grayson in the kitchen. It's just my luck that when Im forced to go home earlier he decides to stay up late. I groan internally. I really don't feel like listening to him bitching right now. 

I walk past the kitchen quickly, not looking in his direction. I try to go unnoticed. The stairs creak.  
I freeze, hoping that maybe he didn't hear. He did. 

“You're early.” I hear him say. He sounds genuinely suprised. “Everything alright?”  
I dont say anything. Ignore him, chances are he'll ingore me too. He, of course, doesn't. 

“You’re impossible, you know that?” he sighs annoyed. I hear shuffling when he gets up from the table. 

I take a deep breath, bracing myself for the incoming lecture and 'i told you so's. Lord help me, I don't have the energy to do this right now.

“You can't avoid me fore-” he stops when he sees me. I look down in shame. 

“what the fuck?” he says. Yeah, dont ask me.  
I'm racking my brain, trying find an exucuse, to get to my room when he asks:

“Who hit you?” I glance up at him and there is growing anger in his eyes.  
I just shrug. 

“Ethan, tell me who hit you. ” he repeats, grabbing me by my shoulder when i try to move away from him. He presses me into the wall, his nails slightly digging into my skin.

“I got into a fight” I say not looking him in the eyes. “let go of me"

He doesn't listen, of course, he doesn't. He leans in close to my face looking at my hand holiding the rag. His brows are furrowed and his jaw clenched. His eyes are darker than usual and he looks a bit scary. This is the second time ever I've seen him like this, the first being after he found out about dad and I.

“bullshit.” He says and grabs me by the wrist of my other arm. He yanks it up for me to see and i bite my tongue to keep myself from hissing in pain.  
“your knuckles are fine.” i frown at him and he drops my hand. 

I don't know what to do now. What else can I say?  
Yeah, I know this is bad. Ive come home beaten up before but it was never this bloody.  
Grayson keeps staring at me intensely and its making my stomach feel weird. He's expecting me to say something but I'm at loss for words.

“stop looking at me.” I mumble quietly. I don't want him to see me like this, its pathetic. 

"What happened?” he repeats again. 

“just stop looking at me” I say and I'm close to tears. What an embarrassment. 

His expression softens and he lets go of my shoulder. Its gonna bruise, probably, with how hard he was griping it. He moves away and I let out air i didn't realize I was holidng. 

“Ethan what is going on with you?” He says, sounding sad and resigned. “You don't tell me anything.”

There's nothing to tell, sweetheart. 

He sighs, dragging a hand across his face. 

“at least let me clean you up?” 

 

I hop on the counter while he looks through the drawers for first aid. The rag i got from James is lying in the sink now and I can see just how drenched with blood it is. I frown at the sight.  
He got me good, that dickhead.  
Grayson approaches me and settles between my legs.  
“You think is gonna hurt?” I ask eyeing the hydrogen peroxide in his hand. 

“like hell” he says grimacing. He presses a soaked piece of gauze to my cheek without any warning. 

“FUCKING SHIT!” I scream grabbing his shoulder, nails scratching his skin and he shoots me a glare. It fucking hurt, ok? 

“get a grip” he says leaning in closer to get a better look at my face. “and stop squirming."

The nerve of this guy. I huff but do my best to stay still. 

“Im taking you to the hospital tomorrow. “ Grayson says pressing the gauze onto my nose. My fingers dig into his shoulder again and he winces. 

“I need to go to work tomorrow.” I protest. 

“Then I'm going with you to work as well.” 

I groan and open my mouth to say something but he presses a new, freshly soaked gauze to my face and I scream in pain again. 

“Don't even try” He looks me in the eyes, his expression stern and I know there's no way to win. “No buts"

“Fine” I give up. 

He seems pleased and quickly finishes cleaning me up, putting a bandage on my nose.  
He moves away and I hop off the counter onto the floor. 

“and im not washing your clothes after this” He adds and I almost laugh before I remember this really isn't the best moment. So I just rise the corner of my mouth instead.  
He's rubbing his arm that i was using as my pain reliever and gives me an accusing look.  
Hey, I was just getting back at him. My shoulder hurts too.

I mumble a quick ‘thanks’ and begin cleaning the kitchen, picking up and throwing away all the dirty pieces of gauze. Grayson yawns and looks at me for a while silently before he turns to leave for bed. 

I feel a sense of longing looking at him leave. God, I'm so tired of our constant fighting, then making up and then fighting again. How long has this been going on? 

"A guy I was trying to blow beat me up" I say after him. 

Grayson stops and turns around. He blinks a few times, his expression blank. Doesn't look disgusted or shocked, doesn't look like anything.  
I shift nervously, getting ready to defend myself.  
But he does nothing besides a nod a small "huh" under his breath. 

Then he leaves me in the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all of your support! <3  
> It means a lot to me that someone enjoys my story and It makes me happy to continue writing.  
> Hope you all have lovely holidays,  
> Peace ✌️


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "so you take that hammer to your own bones, try to beat out the ghost and it never gets you anywhere except hospital rooms"
> 
> — Adira Bennett, excerpt from poem Portrait of Panic

The hospital is one of those places where it feels like the time doesn't exist. It's a bizarre feeling, as if you've entered another world. There's an uneasy presence in the air, which is heavy with the scent of disinfectants. 

It's very early in the morning and the sun hasn't come up yet, but the lights in the hospital are so bright you forget what time it is. Have you been waiting for minutes or hours, the line gets blurry. After a while you might begin to wonder if its so bright because of the lights or if you actually died and now you're here, and you're in pain and you're surrounded by other suffering people.

It's quiet, the silence only disturbed by the buzzing of the lights, by faint sobs and whimpers of the patients, by whispered words of comfort between loved ones.

Every now and then a nurse will pass you in a hurry, her shoes clicking on the linoleum floor, her face is tired and there are dark circles under her eyes. And you wonder if she gets enough rest or if the constant exposure to the suffering and sickness gives her sleepless nights. 

She stops by a hurting kid and their worried parents, giving them a reassuring smile. How grateful was I for that smile many times in the past, when I found myself in the waiting room with my mum ~~a~~ ~~fter an incident at home after~~ Gray had had an asthma attack. 

We used be on first name basis with the nurses, because we came so often. 

 

I look to Grayson who is sitting next to me, his face  is blank and he looks like he didn't sleep at all. I didn't either, the pain in the nose making it impossible. We don't speak, both of us aware of the atmosphere in the room. There's a girl opposite from us, she has an ugly black eye and a busted lip. She's looking at me intensely and we have a silent understanding. 

I wonder who hit her. 

 

A doctor calls my name and I see jealousy flash in her eyes. Crying fills the room as we're walking out and I look back to see a child and a panicked mother trying to rock it back to sleep. God, I hate hospitals. 

  
  


Turns out that asshole did break my nose. Thankfully it wasn't that dislocated so the doctor was able to fix it on the spot. He set it in place, applied a fresh bandage, gave some me some tips on how to take care of it and prescribed me some painkillers. Judging by the look of relief on Grayson’s face, when we found out it wasn't too serious, you could think he was even happier than me.

He really did worry, huh

 

We bump into Emma on our way out. 

Well shit, I really wasn't expecting it. I know she comes here regularly to pick up medicine for her mother. I still didn't think I'd be unlucky enough to run into her today, of all the days. 

Emma looks up at me with her big eyes and they are full of sadness. I feel ashamed. 

I don't say anything, looking anywhere but in her eyes. I open my mouth to say something and I dont even know why. Nothing comes to mind. 

She gives Grayson and I a small smile and a nod before quickly walking past us. 

 

I hear Grayson sigh beside me before he also starts walking and I follow him out. 

  
  


“Hey faggot” A guy says leaning on the counter. 

This isn't the first time I hear that, it was only a matter of time before people found out about my dick sucking hobbies. Surprisingly, most of them don't give a shit. Some are interested and some, well--

“What happened to your face? Someone beat you up?” he chuckles. I want to knock that stupid smirk off his face. 

Easy. Breathe in and out and don't let him provoke you. And definitely don't pick fights when you already have a broken nose. 

I frown at him and busy myself with wiping glasses, trying to ignore it all. 

“What, are you shy now? I've seen you around, I know you whore yourself out and suck cock of anyone willing.” he slurs. 

I feel myself blush at his words, shame and guilt twisting my stomach. I swear to God he says one more thing and I'll throw hands.

“Look, I can get you a drink and you can fuck off, how about that?” I say, doing my best to sound calm. He smiles at me again. What an annoying prick. 

“How about you suck my di-”

“How about you leave?” Grayson suddenly cuts him off. He leans on the counter next to the guy. His eyes are dark and his jaw clenched. He looks weirdly calm and furious at the same time, and barely like himself. He looks dangerous. 

The guy must have noticed that too, because his eyes widen. He even looks a little embarrassed for second, before he tries to pull himself together. 

“What are you, his date? You know he's a cockslut, right? He-”

Grayson cuts him off again, this time by grabbing his hair and slaming his face into the counter. The guy yelps in pain and clutches his forehead, checking for any bleeding. There's none but his hair is wet with alcohol which spilled on the counter. The curses and turns to Grayson, red in the face, probably from alcohol, embarrassment and anger.

Gray only glares at him, and the guy backs down. He mumbles something about cunts and faggots to himself before reluctantly getting up and leaving. 

 

I breathe out, relieved. 

 

Gray looks at me but I don't meet his eyes. I don't know how I feel about him knowing everything now. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, shouldn't have let him come with me. 

And I don't know what he thinks of me, because he hasn't said anything.

Although judging by how protective he just got, maybe he isn't disgusted with me.

I busy myself  with wiping the spilled drink from the counter, trying to think of something else. 

“You ok?” he asks quietly.

I inhale. 

“yeah”

I quickly glance at him and I can tell he doesn't know what to think about all this too. He fiddles with his hands. 

God, what is going on between us? 

“thanks” I add. 

A small smile appears on his lips and he relaxes a bit. 

“Its whatever.” he shurgs  “I.. I know you could've handled him on your own, I just-” he starts to ramble now. “I hope you don't mind” 

Oh.

I barely heard that last part. Did he think I'd be mad at him again? I'm not, stop worrying so much. 

I slide him a drink over the counter. He eyes it hastitantly. I roll my eyes at him and push it into his hand. 

“It's fine, Gray, really.”

He shoots me a grateful look and takes the drink. I know he came here to see how I'm doing and to make sure I dont get myself into a new mess. He said he didn't want to drink but it's been a few hours already and I can see him getting more and more stressed. 

Kiss, this place in general and everything about it: loud music, lots of people and  lots of smoke it all makes him uncomfortable, I know that. He hasn't changed his opinion of me working here and I didn't expect him too. Then again I don't really give a shit as long as he doesn't bug me about it. 

Well, at least he doesn't mind James and Ian. They seem to get along alright from what I've seen. So, that's a start. 

 

“I'm not that, you know” I say keeping my eyes fixed on the counter. 

“what?” he asks cought off guard. He looks up at me from his drink and furrows his brows.

 

“A fag” I say, slightly annoyed I have to clarify. And I really don't want to get into it, but it looks like if we want to go back to normal we have to address the elephant in the room. I know it's bothering him too, that we're like this. 

“Ethan, its--”

“and I'm not a whore” I cut him off. That is the part I don't want to address even more.

“I know that” he mumbles. “And it's fine if you like dick. I don't care.”

Oh

Well, that's good. That's really good.

I nod slowly, processing his words. He smiles at me, looking a bit unsure, searching my face for a confirmation that we're good again.

“well, um, cool. Thanks”

He chuckles at my response and I can't help but crack a smile as well. 

It's just Grayson after all, I don't know what the hell I was so nervous about. He isn't a homophobic prick. (dad seemed fine too) What's the worst that could've happened? 

I shrug the thoughts off. (I don't think of him now, ever) 

“and the other part? That was-- I was just.. Practising” I say slowly, carefully choosing words. 

At that he crooks and eyebrow on me, a smirk appearing on his lips. He tilts his head now, interested. 

“Practising what? Sucking dick?”

 

Well, uh, yeah? 

“Maybe.” I mumble feeling like I'm going red in the face.

He blinks a few times before breaking into a fit of laughter.

I mean- maybe i should've expected that. Still, it makes me blush even more.

“This is so embarrassing” I groan, hiding my face in my hands. 

He notices and stops to wipe a tear from his eyes, then reaches out for me. He rubs my arm in a comforting manner, sending me a warm look. 

“What? No its- its fine E, really” he says, his eyes still shining with laughter. 

I pout at him and smack his hand away. Worry flashes through his face and I can't help but crack a smile at that. He does worry way too much.

Grayson looks blank for a second before he catches on and grins at me, hitting me in the arm. 

“ass” he mumbles, still grinning. 

My chest feels lighter now. Grayson and I are joking and messing with each other again and that is really really good.

 

“You know” he begins and I raise my brows at his playful tone “If ever need more practise, I'm always here” and he winks at me. 

 

… What? 

 

My stomach still does a flip and I blush. 

I probably look as dumb as I feel because he starts to laugh again. 

A typical Grayson joke. He's always done this, make all kinds of innuendos even when he didn't think i was actually into cock.

Ok, being into cock is one thing and I'm not ashamed of that. Being kinda, maybe a little bit into your brother's flirting, that's different. That actually makes me feel uncomfortable and weird. That is the reason I blush so violently at his joke. 

I'm not stupid. I know something is different between us, I can feel the way my stomach twists and my breath gets caught in my throat when he's too close. I know I get more and more touchy around him. I keep using his shampoo. 

I tell myself it's all because of my recent gay awakening. Push the uncomfortable thought away. I don't need anymore reasons to feel sick.

  
  


“Hey, hot stuff” a guy says sliding into the seat next to Grayson, bringing me back down to earth. He rests his elbow on the counter and gives me these bedroom eyes. “Who ruined your pretty face?”

Grayson stiffens getting ready to defend me, his eyes darkening again.

I keep glancing between him and the guy who just arrived. A guy who has shoulder length, blonde messy hair and a gorgeous smile. A guy I was planning on getting with but didn't have the courage to call yet. 

“Hey-” I say quickly “-Hey Ryan. Grayson.” I gesture between them, introducing them to each other. 

Grayson’s eyebrows shoot up and he looks confused.

“there's two of you, huh?” Ryan says sending us both a knowing look and I laugh nervously feeling Grayson’s gaze on me. “You know, when James told me he's finally found a new coworker I didn't expect that to be you. Of all the people”

 

I shrug with a smile. Aside from that one time in the bathroom, this is the first time we're talking, but it feels normal. Now that I get a better look at all of his features I notice he has freckles on his nose and cheeks and that his eyes are a pretty, hazel shade. 

I love hazel eyes. 

I also notice when he smiles or speaks  that there's a gap between his front teeth. And that his lips are chapped. 

Crap I keep staring. At his lips on top of that. 

I quickly look away and try to focus on what he's saying. I glance at Grayson and catch him staring at me, looking like I slapped him.

He probably wonders who the hell that is and what exactly is going on.

I smile at him apologetically, hoping he can just play along and not make it all weird. I don't want to ruin my first proper impression. 

 

“You guys wanna get out of here?” Ryan asks suddenly and Grayson chokes on his drink. I stare at the drummer with wide eyes. 

 

What the hell?

I glance to Grayson and he is just as shocked as I am.

Ryan laughs and I'm even more confused. 

“Ohh that was good. You guys should see your faces. Ha!” he keeps looking between the two of us, amused. “As much as I’d be into that, I meant something else, you know. I, uh, I just thought I'd drop by for some alcohol, the party is in a van.”

“what van?” I say completely dumbfounded.

“Well you know,” he gestures in the air “like a vehicle? We’re parked around the corner, guys from the band and all.” He looks at us expectantly “So, you wanna come hang or no?”

This is an opportunity. I'm sure James and Ian will be fine if I disappear for a second, right?

“Yeah,” I say finally and it comes out a bit breathlessly. “Yea, we do”

I catch Grayson looking at me with wide eyes, probably thinking how irresponsible I am.

I don't care.

A hot guy I want to get closer to is here and I'm not gonna pass up the opportunity. James would understand, I'm sure. 

 

Ryan beams at me.

“cool, well” he quickly finishes his drink and sets it on the counter. “let's go”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning to add more, but decided to post this for now and upload part 2 soon :) 
> 
> Also let me know what you think about me adding quotes at the beginning,  
> I thought it would be a nice addition :P
> 
> Merry Holidays, love you guys  
> Peace ✌️


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I sleep. I dream. I make up things that I would never say. I say them very quietly."  
> — Richard Siken, excerpt from poem Meanwhile
> 
> Things slowly get more spicy 😳  
> Also love Richard Siken, he's great

We grab two bottles of whiskey and sneak out. Well, I'm the one sneaking out, Grayson and Ryan can just leave. I mean I could too. Whatever, really. 

 

We only walk for a few minutes, but I feel Grayson’s eyes on me the whole time and it actually makes me nervous. I feel like he's judging me. Then again he did agree to come, so maybe he's not. 

 

We approach an old, yellow van and hear muffled noises from the inside. Whoever’s there is actually being less loud than I expected them to be.  

 

“Alriiight,” Ryan sings, reaching for the door handle. He pulls and the door slides open. Smoke pours out in a thick wave, blowing in our faces. Grayson coughs and even I have to admit it's a bit much. 

The smoke hits my nostrils and I frown. These aren't cigarettes. 

I look to Grayson and he raises his eyebrows, looking taken aback too. Ryan just smirks as the smell of weed permeates the air.

Oh, okay. I can do that. 

 

We quickly get inside, the smoke causing my throat to tingle slightly. I don't mind it to be honest. I actually kinda like the smell. Grayson though, seems a bit overwhelmed. At least he's not bitching. I know he would if they were cigarettes. 

There's only a little space left, so we sit on a bench near the door. It's leather and surprisingly comfortable. It gets less comfortable when Ryan plops down next to us, squishing me between Grayson and him. 

We're all forced to close our knees, our shoulders touching. My skin prickles from where their arms rest against mine on both sides.

 

Ryan introduces us to the band and I have a quick look at all of them. I recognise the guitarist and the bassist and that's about it. There's also a few girls which I assume are groupies or their girlfriends. Could be groupies judging by the bassist having two girls sitting in his lap. I wager he’s handsome enough to receive that type of attention, but I don't really get the hype. I could name at least two better looking guys here, or you know, three because Grayson and I have technically the same face. More or less. 

 

A girl opposite from us passes Grayson a joint and he takes it. We both have only minimal experience with weed, smoking once or twice with our sister, Cameron, back home. Surprisingly, Grayson doesn't seem to mind pot. 

I see the girl’s sleeve ride up when Gray reaches for the joint, and I freeze. On her arm, there are several rows of raised white lines sticking out and criss crossing over each other. This is the first time I've ever seen marks like mine on someone else, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. I want to look away, but all I can do is stare. 

Her skin is completely cut up. There's so little unmarred skin left that I'm shocked. My arms are scarred as well, but this... This is a whole new level of fucked up.

My stomach clenches and I force myself to look at something else. I swallow hard, trying to process my emotions.

A part of me does feel an overwhelming sadness, but another part of me feels a strange kinship there as well. Suddenly, the girl whose name I can’t even remember, feels like a close friend. I don't know if that makes me selfish or twisted. That I understand her pain and that I want to be close to her based solely on how ruined her skin looks. 

Grayson pokes me in the side and I realize he's been trying to pass me the joint. I take a drag, a long one, hoping that it’ll be enough to shake the sick feeling away. It isn’t. The image of her arm is seared into my brain now. 

Jesus. 

 

“So,” Alex (if I remember correctly) the guitarist, asks. “How do you guys know Ryan?”

He looks at us expectantly and I feel Grayson’s gaze on me as well. Oh right, he doesn't know. 

“Well, um from wor-” I begin but Ryan cuts me off.

“After our last concert here, I found Ethan puking his guts out in a bathroom - so I blew him.”

If I was still smoking, I would probably choke. Maybe it would be for the best. I feel myself getting hot in the face. 

This guy. 

Everyone looks at us for a while, brows risen before they laugh. Well almost everyone does, except for Grayson. He stiffens beside me and looks at me in disbelief. I'm surprised his jaw hasn’t broken yet with how tightly it’s clenched. 

I hold his stare and send him an apologetic smile. He mouths ‘really’ and I bite my lip looking away. I nod while keeping my eyes down, still not able to face him. I blush even more. Didn't know that was possible. 

No one else present thinks it's a big deal. The conversation moves onto the tour. Ryan says something about leaving soon and I frown. 

He really is, huh? 

I lean in closer feeling kinda flirty and whisper in his ear, “I'd return the favor if it weren't for my broken nose.”

His eyes widen and he actually looks a bit surprised. His expression changes quickly though, replaced by a smirk.

“It's fine, babe,” he whispers “just come with.”

I- what? 

Really? 

I want to ask him to elaborate, to see if he's joking or high, or anything. But Alex picks up his guitar and begins strumming it and humming a song, gaining everyone's attention. 

 

I look to Grayson and his lips are raised in a half smile. He's looking more relaxed than he had just a few moments ago. A bit high, too. It's an amusing sight. I rarely see Grayson not sober. 

The bassist, Nate, begins singing and I now get why there’s girls all over him. His voice is really pretty, kinda raspy - but it definitely has a charm to it. It's clearer now too than it was on the stage. As he sings, I recognize the song to be ‘Angie’ by the Rolling Stones. 

I think it's beautiful. 

Grayson sways in his seat to the music, and I rest my head on his shoulder. Everything feels so peaceful now. Nate’s voice and Alex’s guitar, they go together well. The guys went for a slower, quieter version of the original song, or maybe it's just me that feels this way. Either way it sounds really good. 

Gray wraps his arm around me and rubs my shoulder up and down in a soothing manner. 

Ryan says something about a bathroom and gets up, leaving more space. I stretch out against my brother, feeling even more free and relaxed.

 

Grayson sings the song very quietly only for me to hear. It doesn't sound that bad actually. There's a hint of sadness to his voice. 

“Angie, I still love you,” Nate sings. “Remember all those nights we cried.” The song picks up a bit like it does in the original.

“All the dreams we held so close,” Grayson humms next to me. “Seem to all go up in smoke-” I close my eyes and focus on the sound of his voice. 

 

He coughs suddenly, bringing me down to earth. I frown and look at him when he doesn't stop coughing. 

 

Deciding, I make a gesture that maybe we should go outside for a bit, and he just nods and we quickly exit the car. 

 

The voices coming from the van are barely audible outside. We lean against the cool metal surface while Grayson coughs a few more times. I pat his back, worried. 

 

He better not be having an asthma attack. 

 

“I think I swallowed too much smoke,” he says in a raspy voice, grimacing. 

I exhale, relieved. Thank god. 

“Amateur,” I say quietly, but he hears anyway and smacks my shoulder. 

 

I'm pretty surprised at how well he’s done considering he hardly ever smokes. It probably came easier to him when he got a bit high. 

 

“I was actually expecting you to start coughing at your first inhale,” I admit, and he rolls his eyes. He's smiling though. 

 

“Not all of us can abuse our lungs all we want without consequences. I have asthma you know.”

Yeah, fair point. 

“Besides-” he says after a while. “I don't know if I even like it. It always gets stuck in my throat and the taste is too much.”

“You mean cigarettes?”

He nods.

 

“Well I find them quite relaxing,” I say slowly. “I feel like you could use that sometimes... maybe,” I add, careful so as to not say anything that would piss him off. Don't need any of that right now. 

He chuckles briefly. 

“Yeah yeah - but the taste, it's just ... bad. Like really,” Gray frowns as if he’s actually smoking right now. 

I mean, I don't mind it. I found it a bit intense at first, but you get used to it. The taste is actually part of the fun - to me at least. But I get that he doesn't like it. 

Suddenly I have an idea. 

“Even when shotgunning?” I ask quietly.

Grayson furrows his brows. 

“Shotgunning?” he asks, looking clueless.

Really? 

“You know like,” I gesture, feeling a bit nervous. “Passing smoke between people?” I bite my lip. 

God what am I even trying to do? This is ridiculous. I'm high. 

His eyes widen a bit with realization. 

“Oh,” he says, processing my words. “Well, i never tried it.”

“Oh,” it's my turn to sound surprised. I shift, suddenly feeling very awkward. 

 

We don't say anything for a while, the silence full of weird tension. It's never like that between us. 

 

“Ryan really blew you that night?” he asks out of the blue, catching me off guard. 

“Well, uh, yeah?”  
Is he changing the topic now? 

His face falls a bit, but then he narrows his eyes and switches gears.

“Hm,” Grayson taps his chin, thinking. “Did I walk in on you guys?”

 

I take out a cigarette and light it. God, he is stressing me out tonight. These questions, they're so awkward. What does he care anyway? 

 

“Yeah” I say, doing my best to sound nonchalant. He looks between me and the cigarette in my hand, biting his lip. 

 

“Right” he says shorly and turns his gaze to his shoes. Is he blushing? “Sorry about that,” he says with a faint smile.

“It's fine,” I shrug. 

 

We stay in silence for a while, me smoking and him looking at the ground. He keeps glancing at me.  
I notice. It's hard not to. It makes my stomach feel weird again. Also the idea I got earlier, it doesn't seem so ridiculous now. 

“Come here,” I say, reaching for him, and he leans in a bit.

 

“What are you doing?” Grayson asks under his breath.

 

“Shotgunning.” 

 

I try to say it like it's nothing, but my voice shakes ever so slightly around the word. I don't know if he notices.

Jeez, its just passing smoke, it’s not even a kiss. 

Right? 

At least that's how I think shotgunning works. 

Grayson seems to have a different idea, because his lips press to mine, and he inhales the smoke - sure - and kisses me. It’s brief, but it makes my stomach flip inside out. 

I pull away, taken aback. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. 

I look at him with wide eyes and he looks a bit lost.  
“Is that how you do it?” he asks, and clearly, he's nervous.

No. It's not how you do it. Normally you would barely touch lips, pass the smoke and that's it. That's what I was going for.

 

But then Grayson kissed me.

 

“It is.” I say instead. 

 

He looks relieved and leans in closer again. We're barely inches apart. 

 

“It doesn't taste that bad, no?” I whisper, feeling my head spinning. I tell myself I'm just high. 

 

“No,” he breathes. He looks at my lips again. “It was alright.” 

 

I chuckle, but it comes out humourless and flat. I'm way too anxious. 

 

“Wanna try again?” I ask carefully. 

 

“Yeah,” he whispers. 

 

I inhale the smoke and lean in. He does, too.

 

There are footsteps on the grass and we immediately jump away from each other. I take a moment to process all that. 

 

What just happened? 

 

Grayson looks confused and high as fuck. His eyes are lidded and he rubs his temples. 

“Everything alright?” Ryan comes up to us. 

Oh yeah, he was in the bathroom. It feels like ages since he left. How long have we been standing here? Couldn't be longer than 10 minutes.

 

“Yeah um,” Grayson fiddles with his hands. “I just felt a bit light headed in there. I'm gonna go get water.” 

He leaves quickly, swaying a little as he walks. 

Ryan shakes his head and looks after him with a smirk. He goes to open the van door. 

“You coming?” he says, turning to face me. 

I hesitate. There's something I want to ask. 

“Did you mean it?” He looks clueless and I take a deep breath. “About the tour? That I could come with?” I clarify.

A smile spreads across his face. 

“Yeah, sure,” he shrugs. “You make good drinks, you're fun and I like you. You should totally come. And James is coming too, to do our makeup.”

 

I frown, too confused to blush at the compliment.

James never said anything about leaving with them on tour.

“James is coming?”

“Well, yeah,” he says it like it's obvious. “He didn't tell you?”

He didn't. The hell? 

I shake my head. Ryan raises his eyebrows in response, looking surprised. Then realization flashes over his face and he shrugs again. 

“Oh yeah, maybe he didn't. He was looking for a coworker to help Ian when he leaves or something.“

I stare at him, dumbfounded. He just slides the car door open and looks at me expectantly. 

“C'mon,” he gestures and I follow him inside, trying to shake the thoughts off. 

 

But it stays with me for the rest of the night, just like my kiss with Grayson. 

What was that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huuuge thank you to Gracerevealed for helping me out and beta reading the chapter!  
> English is not my first language so sometimes I struggle with the vocab, and they did a great with making it more interesting!
> 
> Thank you all for reading, and have a great new years!  
> Peace ✌️


	8. Chapter 8

“What the hell do you mean you're leaving?" James exclaims, staring at me in disbelief. It’s the first time I've heard him raise his voice in this way. 

 

“What?” I say, holding his stare. “I wanna come with.”

 

He shakes his head immediately. Honestly, when I told him about my plans to go on tour with Ryan and the band I expected him to be anything but angry. Surprised, sure. Maybe excited. But not this. 

Who does he think he is anyway? Ryan invited me. I'm allowed to come. 

I fold my arms over my chest and lean against the stone wall. It's cool, sending shivers through my body, but I can't be bothered now. 

James and I are standing outside of Kiss right by the entrance, where the stairs end. He wanted to talk with me when I told him I was going on tour with Ryan, and dragged me outside as soon as our shifts ended. I don't know what the hell is going on with him and why it’s a big deal anyway. 

“You only wanna bang a drummer whose band name you don't even know!” James shoots me an accusing look. I glare back. 

Ouch. 

Not like anyone told me, jeez. Or maybe they did but what the fuck ever. Stop trying to guilt trip me. 

 

“And, besides--” he pokes me with his finger in such a patronising manner it makes my blood boil. He keeps this up and I'll slap his hand away. “--You weren't even supposed to leave with him that night!”

I roll my eyes at that.

“Oh, please like you give a shit about that. I've been sneaking off for the past week an-”

“This is different.” He cuts me off. “You didn't say anything! And you got high! And Grayson-”

My patience wears thin and I slap his hand away. Does he have to bring Grayson into this? Yeah, I remember this would mean leaving Grayson behind. But with how weird and awkward things have been between us lately maybe, just maybe, it would be for the best. Especially with what happened two days ago. We kissed and now I- I'm just so confused. 

James doesn't need to add onto that. He doesn't know shit.

“Jesus, what is your deal James?” I groan, annoyed.

“I told you-”

“No! No what is this really about? Stop beating around the bush!” My voice rises and I almost shout. He backs down a little. His lips form a thin line and his eyes narrow. He takes a breath trying to compose himself.

“Is this about me? You don't wanna go with me?” 

“No, that's not-”

Something flickers in my mind, something Ryan said. 

“What is it then? Is it work? Ian?” 

James stiffens.

I knew it. 

I try not to look too triumphant, not to rub it in his face, but I fail because he shoots me a glare. 

Oversensitive much?

 

“He could always find another place to work you know?”

“He's 16! No one will take him seriously!”

He rubs his temples and leans against the brick wall, looking tired. 

“I spend months - months! - looking for anyone who would fill in for me so he doesn't have to handle it on his own. And to find someone I could actually trust and then- then you come and last second fuck it all up!” 

I narrow my eyes now. Is that how it is now? 

“Oh, I fuck it up?” I say through gritted teeth “How about have you told, literally anyone, you're leaving, huh? Does anyone know?”

“I swear to God, you have no idea how hard it was to even find someone!”James raises his voice again, but I can see guilt flash in his eyes. His voice shakes, barely noticeably. “This is a one in a million opportunity for me. If you go, then- then I'll stay. Just, please Ethan stay,” he adds quieter this time. 

“Does Ian know?” I repeat.

“Know what?” the door opens and Ian steps out, sounding slightly annoyed. He rubs his hands together to warm them. It really is getting colder, isn't it? 

“You guys have been yelling for ages.”

James’ eyes widen and he looks like a deer in the headlights. He averts his gaze to his shoes now, embarrassed and frustrated. Ian keeps looking between the two of us, brows furrowed. 

I sigh.

“I'll leave you guys to it.”

I turn around to walk up the stairs. Honestly I'm tired and I just want to get home and think it through. 

“Ethan,” James calls after me. 

I look at him over my shoulder. 

“Don't you ruin this for everyone.” He says in a soft, but warning tone. His eyes look almost pleading though. 

‘Everyone.’ what an exaggeration. Grayson would be fine. Ian would be fine, too. 

Dramatic asshole. This whole situation is plain ridiculous. 

“Watch me,” I say, and leave. 

 

 

 

 

I get home, feeling tired as shit and in a desperate need of coffee. Emma used to drink a lot and I guess it’s sort of rubbed off on me. 

I fill the pot with water, add a few scoops of flavored grinds, and flip the power button on the twenty year old coffee maker. 

 

“Make some for me too,” Grayson enters the kitchen reading his book. 

I raise my brows a little but don't say anything, just nod. Grayson and I have barely talked for the last two days. I know he's been avoiding me and he doesn't even try to hide it.

Was it because we kissed? I cringe a little, feeling awkward for even thinking the word.

I may have been the one to initiate it, but it was him that kissed me. So maybe he should own up to it and not pretend like I don't exist - especially when he makes me so aware of the fact that I do. 

The warm, tingly feeling I get near him is unbearable and I hate all of it. The fact that I suddenly discovered I like dick as much as I like pussy just adds to the whole shit show and I can’t but feel overwhelmed. Also Grayson’s impossibly attractive so... 

I sigh, physically trying to shake away the unwanted thoughts. 

Yea. Just to be safe though I should definitely be leaving with Ryan. To get this weird feeling out of my system. Grayson will be glad to have some space too. 

I sit down opposite from him. The pot’s taking way too long to boil today. The only sounds in the kitchen are the stove and the ticking clock. 

I start tapping my fingers on the table - the silence unbearable.

“Can I cut your hair?” Grayson asks suddenly.

I look at him, completely baffled. What? 

“Like now?” I say blinking a few times. 

“Yeah, it’ll take a while to boil.” He looks away from me, down to his book again. “Sorry, maybe its stupid, its just getting so long.”

I mean, it could use a haircut? 

“Sure, you can.” I say shrugging, ignoring how my heart rate picks up a bit. 

He gives me a small smile and puts his book to the side. We keep the scissors with our first aid so he moves to get them from the drawer while I slide the chair away from the table. 

“Don't get carried away with it,” I say in a warning tone when he approaches me from the back. He's cut my hair before, so I'm not that worried. Just to be safe, though. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he says and I hear a snap.

The cold iron of the scissors and his fingers brush against my neck and I feel shivers run through my body. 

He begins cutting quite fast, actually making me worry that he’ll knick my skin. Or, you know, cut too much hair. I don't wanna end up bald. 

He brings his hand to my jaw and positions my head so he can have a better look at my hair. My skin is burning where he touched it. 

He finishes in the back and moves to the front now. His brows are drawn together and he bites his lip, thinking. He looks good when he's focused like that-

Grayson moves closer and begins trimming my hair at the front and my breath hitches. Normally I'd probably be irritated at how fast (and how much, probably) he’s cutting. But right now, all I can think of is how close to my face he is and how his fingers keep brushing against my skin, and how he rests his hand on my cheek turning my head to get a better look. And how my knees feel weak because he's so close.

It's bizarre, how he makes me feel. He's my twin brother for fucks sake. I find that I care less and less about that, and it scares me how much I'd like to lean in now. 

I need to get away from here. 

He finishes, putting the scissors away and runs a hand through my hair. 

“Done.”

“How is it? ” I ask, a bit quieter than I'd like. I shouldn't whisper, it makes everything more intimate. 

Grayson leans in a bit, resting his hand on my shoulder. He glances at my hair and then lower at my face. He quickly turns his gaze to my hair again. 

“Looks good to me” He says, also quiet. 

I hold my breath and he leans a bit more, his grip on my shoulder slightly tightening. And then he shifts his weight and uses my shoulder for support to help him stand up. 

There's a pang in my chest. 

Really, what was I expecting? Why am I so disappointed because he got up? 

“Just in time” he says, turning to the bubbling pot. Oh yea the coffee. I forgot about that. I don't think I'm tired anymore. Too much adrenaline.

He pours some for him and some for me, then he grabs his and his book and just leaves. 

I look after him feeling let down. 

Whatever is going in with me I need it to stop. 

I open the kitchen window and light a cigarette, slowly inhaling the smoke trying to relax. 

I'm such a mess.

I roll up my sleeve and burn the skin. It stings like it always does, and it leaves me feeling empty like it always does. 

The scarred arm of the girl flashes in my mind and I recall how sick it made my stomach feel.It was a terrible sight. 

I suddenly don't feel like smoking anymore so I just put the cigarette out - on the window sill this time. I go to the phone instead and dial a number I've kept in my jacket for some time now. 

There's silence on the other end of the line for a while before someone picks up. 

“Hello?”

I take a deep breath.

 

“Hey Ryan, it's Ethan. I just uh, I wanted to let you know I'm coming with you,” I say, hoping I don't sound too nervous “On tour that is,” I add.

“Aww that's great!” He replies almost immediately.

“Yeah,” I breathe out. “Yeah, it's gonna be great.” There's a guilty feeling in my gut that I try to ignore. 

“Sure is,” he says, and I know he's smiling. His words are reassuring and helps me calm down a little bit. He has that effect on me. He’s so chill and carefree that everything always feels like it’s gonna be alright. 

“And Ryan?”

“Yeah.”

“I uh,” I shift nervously and wrap the phone cable around my finger. “I still don't know what your band is called.”

He chuckles.

“The London Fire.”

 

Huh, that's a fun name. 

“Sounds cool,” I say and then I smile. 

 

Maybe leaving will be easier than I thought. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thanks for reading and to Gracerevealed for being a beta!  
> Love you guys have a happy new year!  
> Peace ✌️


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "'What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?' 
> 
> (A long silence.)
> 
> 'What do you offer?'
> 
> (Silence.)"
> 
> — Sarah Kane, 4.48 psychosis

 

The sun is already high up in the sky when I wake up, which I'm guessing means it must be around noon. I sigh and drag a hand across my face, really not wanting to get up seeing as I feel just as tired as I did when I went to sleep. How the hell is that fair?

I hear noises coming from downstairs - must be Grayson. Groaning, I slowly push the covers to the side and check the time. It's 12:38. Even later than what I originally thought, though in my defense, I talked with Ryan half of the night and well into the morning.

I run a hand through my hair and decide that I should probably take a shower. There’s no shortage of stuff to be done today, which includes going to the damn hospital to pick up my painkillers. I stifle another groan at the thought. My nose has really been a pain in the ass.

I get up and head to the bathroom. Before I hop in the shower, I take a look at myself in the mirror, running a hand through my hair again while assessing the damage.

Grayson actually did a good job cutting it. Maybe better than a barber even.

I smile to myself thinking back to how fast he was going and how nervous I was that he might fuck both my hair and face up with the scissors’ sharp blades.

I turn the water on and it's lukewarm instead of ice cold, which means Grayson showered already. Well, obviously he did, he showers everyday. Sometimes more than once. Wish I could say the same about me, but a lot of nights I just can't be bothered. Not that it matters much anyway. Since breaking up with Emma, I don’t have too many people getting into my personal space.

 

I step into the shower and pull the curtain closed. The water feels nice and for a while, I just lean against the tiled wall, focusing on it flowing down my body. I pour some soap onto my hands and begin to actually wash myself.

My hand wanders over the lower half of my body and hell, why the fuck not? It’s been a while since I jerked off.

 

I wrap my hand around the base of my cock and begin pumping it lazily. I gradually speed up, squeezing it now and then, but it doesn't do much for me, so I try to think of something that would turn me on. Normally it would've been a pretty girl with a big ass, but I'm not in the mood for that now, so I think about a guy. I see him pushing me against a wall with a smirk, while sinking to his knees. I think about his mouth wrapping around my cock and of him looking up at me as I grab his hair. It's blonde, long, and messy, and his eyes are a pretty hazel color of brown mixed with green. Yea ok, the guy I think about is Ryan. 

I stroke myself faster, imagining Ryan’s cheeks hollowing out as he sucks harder. His tongue swirls around the head of my cock and he uses his hand to pump it from the base. I'm getting closer now, my wet hand gliding fast over my cock as it begins to pulsate. I close my eyes and bite my lip, concentrating on making myself come.

I keep thinking of Ryan, of his mouth and his tongue. Of his hazel eyes. Of me, fucking his mouth and of him looking up at me from under his dark eyebrows and through his thick, long eyelashes. Of the tiny amount of drool that runs down the side of his lips, and of me gripping his dark, short hair tighter, pushing him deeper while his low moans vibrate--

 

“Hey, is it cool if I just quickly grab my book fro--ohgodimsosorry!”

My eyes shoot open. I didn't hear him knock and it's too late now because I'm coming.

“Gray--” I try to shout at him, but I moan softly and the name comes out breathy.

 

Oh god. 

I cover my face with my hands and thank Jesus, god, fucking anybody for the shower curtain between us - even though its almost transparent. 

This is so freakin’ embarrassing. I can feel the rush of blood burning my face. 

  
Grayson just stands there, in the doorway, silent. I can't make out his expression and really, it's for the best. I don't need to humiliate myself further.

“Just get the book and go,” I snap, annoyed that he’s still just standing there.

“Right, right, sorry.” He quickly goes to grab it from the shelf near the toilet.

Grayson is one of those people who for some reason like to bring books with them when they go take a shit.

He lingers in the doorway on his way out.

“Grayson, go!” I repeat, feeling extremely self conscious. What the hell is he doing?

“Sorry,” he apologies again and shuts the door behind him.

 

I breathe out and rest my forehead against the wall. Well, that was awkward.

At least I finished.

 

I stay in silence for a while, listening to water fall on the tiles before I pull myself together and turn it off. I get out of the shower and quickly dress.

I wanted to have breakfast before leaving, but I'll go get the painkillers now. I definitely don't want to see Grayson after he heard me moaning his name while jerking off in the shower.

  
  


I go downstairs and past the living room where I see him reading. He shifts when he hears me so I look away and hurry to the door. 

I slip on shoes and kneel to tie the laces.

 

“You're going out?” Grayson asks from above me. I don't look up.

Really? Of all the times to stop avoiding me,  this really isn't the best one.

I nod stiffly, taking a longer time than necessary to finish tying my shoelaces. Grayson has his arm propped against the wall and is leaning enough towards me that when I stand up, we almost bump heads. I move away a little, taken aback by how close he is. My throat tightens.

“With Ryan?” he asks shyly and bites his lip. I’m not sure, but I think he blushes a little. Is he nervous? 

I frown at his question and shake my head.

“Why would I be going out with Ryan right now?”

“I don't know... I thought you liked each other?” He shrugs, trying to look casual.

“I'm going to get my meds.”

“Oh.” He rubs the back of his head turning his gaze to his feet. “Well, um- but do you like him or..?”

I stare at him, dumbfounded. He's acting really weird today. Weirder than he has been for the last few days. Somehow that questions makes things feel even more awkward between us - and I don't know how that's possible seeing as he walked in on me just a little while ago.

“I-, uh, I don't know, I guess,” I say, putting on my jacket. Grayson keeps glancing at me.

“Cool,” he replies in a tone that makes me think it’s anything but cool.

“Yeah, um,” I shift uncomfortably. “I'm gonna go get these painkillers now.” I use my thumb to point behind me and quickly exit the flat. My heart is beating crazy fast.

 

What the fuck is up with Grayson today? 

  
  
  


 

I groan when I see how long the queue at the hospital is. I plop down in the waiting room next to an old lady and try thinking of something to kill the time, but my mind keeps going back to Grayson and this morning. Afternoon.

After a while I decide I can't take it anymore, and ask the elderly lady to keep my place for me in the queue. I could really use a cigarette right now.

I exit through the back door to the parking area and lean against the building’s wall, taking out my cigarette. Technically you're not supposed to smoke on hospital grounds, but no one here actually cares. There’s tons of cigarette stubs all over the stone floor and the stairs leading to the parking lot.

I light a cigarette and close my eyes trying to relax.

I don't get to do that though, because soon the door next to me swings open with a bang. I groan internally. 

“ _Fucking hell!_ ” A girl yells kicking a stone down the stairs. She shoots me a glare when she notices me. She's actually pretty young, can't be older than fifteen. I have a feeling I’ve seen her before.

“You alright?” I ask, because as much as I don't want to talk to her, I feel a small measure of pity. She looks pretty distressed and there's a bruise under her eye that's an ugly yellow colour.

She scoffs and looks away, but her expression softens slightly. 

“Can I have one?” She mumbles the question looking to the ground and kicking another pebble. A cigarette? I raise my eyebrows.

“You're like ten years old.”

“Oh, and you're twenty one?"

“Almost nineteen, actually.” I grimace, but take out the cigarettes anyway. I'm not really in a place to judge her - I've been smoking for a while now. 

"Thanks,” she says, taking the cigarette. I light it for her and she leans on the wall next to me. We smoke in silence for a while.

“Something happened?” I ask. “You seemed pretty pissed just a while ago.”

"Yeah well,” she frowns. “Doctor asshat doesn't wanna prescribe me the painkillers that I want.”

 

Suddenly her eyes light up.

“Would you smack me in the face?”

I choke on the smoke. Did I hear that right. 

“What? Why would I want to do that?”

She shrugs.

“Well, you got into a fight.” I look at her questioningly and she points a vague finger at my face. “No offence but your nose looks like shit.” We both frown at that. “Maybe he would prescribe them if I looked like that.”

“Well I'm not gonna smack you in the face,” I say and she rolls her eyes. Just how desperate is she to get some pills?

...Actually I have an idea.

“Look, he prescribed me some painkillers. I'll give you a third of it if you do me a favour.”

Her eyebrows rise at that.

“What did he prescribe?”

“Uh…” I check my jacket for the piece of paper and squint my eyes trying to make out the doctor's writing. “Acetaminophen?" I say hesitantly, unsure of the pronunciation. 

She rolls her eyes. “So Tylenol,” she replies as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.  

“Yeah, Tylenol. With Codeine” With as little knowledge as I have with painkilkers , even I recognize that this isn’t an over the counter one. 

“Go on...” She says slowly, after a moment of silence.

"I need you to fill in for me at work for a week or three. Well, it's mostly weekends. I work as a bartender, so there's not much to do during the week.”

If she worked at Kiss while he was gone, then James could leave without giving me shit right? Three weeks is more than enough time for Ian to find a coworker or to change jobs or whatever. Not like I necessarily need James’ approval, but I do feel a little guilty about the whole thing.

“I'm like ten, you said it.”

“Ok well-” I finish smoking and drop my cigarette to the ground, stepping on it to put it out. “-how old are you exactly?”

"Sixteen.” She shrugs.

Huh, I was almost right.

"Then it's fine. It's just three weeks anyway.” I take out a pen and grab her hand, the one without the cigarette in it. She tries to protest, but I'm already writing Kiss’ address on it.

“Look just try, ok? I'll call them to let them know you'll come and you don't even have to do much, just help out a little.”

She looks hesitant for a while before nodding her head. I let out air, relieved. This could actually work.

“A third of your meds and a pack of cigs.”

Alright, whatever.

“Fine,”I say grudgingly.

She smiles and spits on her hand and then reaches out to me with an innocent look on her face. I eye her hand grimacing a little, but I shake it anyway. She smirks.

“Ok so now that we're buddies and all that-” I cringe a little. “I'm Ethan.”

“Antonio.”

I stare at her again, convinced this isn’t the first time we’ve crossed paths.

“Have I seen you before?” I ask.

“That one time in the waiting room I think?”

Oh right, she was there when Grayson took me to the emergency room with my bloody nose. She looked way worse a few days ago. That black eye was nasty. Well it still is. I can’t imagine why the doctor won’t prescribe her painkillers at least as strong as mine.

“Who hit you?” I ask, before I can bite my tongue. She seems taken aback a little, but just scoffs and looks away.

“Make it two packs and I'll tell you.”

“Fine.” 

Maybe I'm being too intrusive.

"My brother did,” she says shrugging. Her voice is flat and emotionless.

My stomach drops and if I was somewhat unsure before, I’m pretty much convinced now that I shouldn't have asked. A brother, huh. I can't imagine how a brother could do that to you (a father maybe, but not a brother). She doesn't seem fazed though.

“Sorry to hear that,” I say quietly, not knowing what else to do.

“It's fine.” She shrugs again.

It's really not. I wonder if her parents, or anyone really, are there for her - she was at the waiting room alone after all. I think how lucky I am to have Grayson always by my side and willing to stick up for me, even if our relationship is a bit weird at the moment.

Antonio puts out her cigarette on the ground and tugs a strand of hair behind her ear. I ask if she wants to wait inside together until I can pick up my meds and she just nods, her face still blank.

Time passes quicker when I have her company, and soon it's finally my turn to speak to the technician.

I walk out of the hospital holding a months worth of Tylenol 3.

I give Antonio her share and she immediately pops a pill. I do the same and then we leave to buy her cigarettes in comfortable silence.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all of your lovely comments! Im so happy people are actually enjoying reading this story!
> 
> Also more action for the boys soon 👀  
> Peace! ❤️


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The elephant in the room has begun to rot, and in decay, she is larger than she ever was in life.”  
> — Adira Bennett, excerpt from “Res Corupta”
> 
> This is a long one, get ready for some action👀👀

 It's pouring outside, the rain so dense and aggressive that it's hard to see much of anything. The clouds have been dark for the past couple of days, collecting all the water that’s now flooding the streets. All of the roads are jammed and just like that I’m late for work. 

I huff in frustration and pull the hood of my raincoat tighter around my head. My shoes are basically soaked by now, and really? Today of all the days? 

If I weren't a skeptic, I would take it as a bad omen or something. 

Today is an important day because Ryan's band, London Fire, is playing their final show at Kiss. They play and then they leave two days after. Hopefully I'm leaving with them and not coming home in a few months. I need to have some space and definitely I need to figure shit out. Scary as it is, I’m honestly counting down the days.u

I rush down the steep stairs leading to Kiss’ entrance, not really caring if I slip because I'm already wet. I don't fall though, which is quite impressive, seeing as it's easy to do so even when the stairs are dry. 

I push the door open as fast as I can. 

 

“Sorry I'm late.” I rest against the wall, letting out a stream of air in relief.

“No worries,” James says from behind the counter. He looks up at me and his eyes widen. “Honey, you're soaking. Go dry yourself.”

“Yeah, no shit,” I say as I quickly remove my raincoat. I would've taken the car if Grayson hadn't beaten me to it. He left for work before the downpour started.

James grimaces when I hang my coat on the bar stool and it starts dripping, creating a pool of water underneath it. 

“Take your coat to the bathroom,” he says, narrowing his eyes at the forming puddle. 

I groan and roll my eyes at him. 

“You realize that once the people start coming in here there's gonna be a flood right?” I ask in a sarcastic tone. 

“Just take it to the bathroom,” he snaps and leaves to get a mop. “Also, there's some old towels in storage. You can grab one from there and dry yourself off,” he adds in a much calmer tone. 

Fine, fine. I don't say anything but I snatch the coat and take it to the bathroom. James is still mopping the floor when I come back. He looks more tired than I've ever seen him. The upcoming tour is probably giving him sleepless nights, same as it’s doing to me. 

“How's Ian?” I ask, leaning on the counter, watching him work while I wrap a towel tight around me. 

He sighs.

“Better, I guess. I don't know he still doesn't wanna talk with me much.” 

Ian’s not coming in for work today. I know he didn't take the news about James leaving too well. He got really (and I mean really) upset and they argued a lot. James felt so guilty after, he said he wasn't leaving anymore and that I could stick all my new coworkers up my ass. I somehow managed to convince him - eventually - when I said Antonio was a trusted friend (more or less true, maybe just a tiny bit exaggerating) and that I would bring her with me to show her around before we leave. 

As of now we're both planning to leave with Ian and Antonio staying, but James said that if anything happens he's coming back right away. To be honest I think he worries too much. Ian is old and smart enough to manage himself. He seemed more angry that James didn't say anything sooner, more than the fact that he was leaving. 

With that being the case, you'd think I've already told Grayson, but I, well- I haven't. 

I know I have to, and soon, but there's such tension between us now that I honestly don't know how to even bring this up. 

At least James somewhat forgave me since we're kinda in the same boat now. Makes me feel like less of an asshole to leave like that. 

 

I hear rummaging backstage and something heavy drops to the floor. I raise my eyebrows at James. 

“They're already here?”

I knew I'd be late, but I still thought I'd get here before the band. There's still some time before the club opens up though.

“Yeah,” James says, finally putting away the mop and busying himself with cleaning the counter now. “Go check on them, see if they need anything maybe.”

As much as I don't feel like it right now, I nod. Maybe if we get this over with they can do a soundcheck and I'll go lay down for a while. 

I enter backstage and spot Ryan trying to put his drum set together. Normally a technician would, but guess he's not present now. 

“Need any help?” I ask, leaning on the doorway. 

He looks up, brows furrowed but his expression softens when he sees me. He flashes me a quick smile, he's nervous probably. We all are. 

“Actually, yeah.” He says, standing up and putting his hands on his hips. “The technician got stuck in traffic.” He answers the question before I can ask. 

“Yeah, no wonder” I say coming closer to him and examine the drumset closer. I know very little about music and all that jazz (heh) but I can tell its good quality. Looks a bit old school too. 

“It's a shitshow out there, with the rain.” I cringe at the thought. 

“I know right” He shakes his head with a grimace. “Hey, could you grab these for me? And we'll put it together on stage”

“Sure” I shrug and grab the drums he pointed to.

It's a bit of work but we soon get all the parts on the stage and all that's left is to put them all together. Nate and Alex also appear in the process, both of them looking just as tired. I'm just hoping they'll be in better moods when the actual show starts, because I could use some of the energy that comes with the loud music. 

 

It takes us over half an hour to get everything done, plug all the instruments in and prepare for soundcheck. Honestly half an hour is not even that long. Still tiring. 

The guys go to chat up James at the bar before he does their stage makeup. I take advantage of the moment to have a good look at Ryan's drumset. I run a hand over the surface of the drums, a slight smile forming on my face when I see a fire design on the front. 

Nothing too special about it, but it looks neat.  Makes the instrument more personal. 

“You play any?” I jump at the sound of Ryan's voice. I didn't hear him sneaking up on me. I turn to see him standing really close and a blush comes to my cheeks. He smirks at me, making my stomach flip. 

“Nope,” I shake my head and look to the drums again. “Wish I could, though. Looks sick.”

Ryan runs a hand through his hair, messing it up even more. 

“Well-” He says, his voice slightly lower than it was just a while ago “I could teach you some.” He comes around behind me putting a hand around my waist and guiding me to the stool. I sit and he leans in close, his breath tingling the back of my neck. 

He points to the pedal on the floor and to a big drum, his hand brushes against my arm as he reaches out. I shiver slightly. 

“This here is the bass drum. You step on the pedal to use it.” I nod, signaling him to go on. 

“The other pedal is for the hi-hat, the--”

“The what?” I interrupt him, frowning. 

“Let me finish,” he says quietly, mouth close to my ear. “The pair of cymbals”

I shut up, intimidated by how close he is and nod again. 

“This drum,” he points to a smaller one on my left side. “This is a snare drum. It has these rattling beads around it.”

He moves away a bit and I let out air. 

“That's all the special parts, the rest you can figure out yourself. See how it sounds and all that.” He says rummaging through a box behind me. 

I turn, curious to see what he's doing and he stands up holding a pair of drumsticks. He winks at me and I feel warmth in my stomach. 

“Now for the fun part,” he says coming closer again. He reaches his free hand around, grabbing mine and pushing a drumstick in. 

“Just hold it like that, here, between your thumb and your index finger. A little lower.” He puts his hand on mine. My heart is beating really fast now.

“And the other one--”

The front door opens suddenly, revealing a pretty much soaked Grayson. I look up and our eyes meet for a second. He shoots me a weird look and frowns. 

The hell? What's his deal this time? 

I shrug and focus on Ryan's voice again as Grayson goes up to meet with James and the rest of the band. 

He said he would come for their show tonight, but I was expecting him to be later than that.

“Hey Ryan!” we're interrupted again as Alex calls from the bar. I groan internally. Ryan seems annoyed too as he stands up straight and moves away from me, folding his arms over his chest. 

“Time to do the makeup,” Alex smirks. “Quit trying to woo Ethan and get over here.”

I look to Ryan, disappointed. He sends me an apologetic smile before turning to the bar again. 

“Alright, Alright,” he mumbles. “Coming.” He reluctantly goes after James, Nate and Alex to the storage, leaving me alone on the stage. 

“We'll play later,” I say after him, before also getting up. 

I feel awkward standing here by myself, the butterflies in my stomach completely gone now. 

 

I head to the bar, where Grayson is sitting. 

“Can I get you anything?” I try to joke, getting behind the counter. 

“I'm driving,” he says, clearly not amused. I roll my eyes. 

“Yeah, I know. Chill out Grayson, I'm just messing with you.” He gives me a small smile at that, a fake one. 

Well this is awkward. 

I tap my fingers on the counter, the silence unbearable. 

“You wanna play drums now?” he asks suddenly, catching me off guard. 

“Sort of.” I shrug “Seems cool, I've wanted to try for a while. ”

“Oh yeah?" he asks, his mocking tone making me frown. 

“Do you have a problem or something?” I snap at him. What's with the attitude? Maybe take it down a notch, Jesus. 

“Sorry,” he says quickly, looking slightly abashed. “Just annoyed that I got all soaked.” He ruffles his damp hair, his eyes glued to the counter. Not really a good excuse, but I'll take it because I don't want to argue right now. 

“You're early,” I say trying to change the topic a bit. This conversation is not going well at all. 

“Yeah, um--” he fiddles with his hands picking at dead skin around his nails. He rarely does that unless he's really anxious. What’s gotten into him? 

“I- uh, I didn't wanna stand in traffic all evening, so I just came here straight after work.” He glances at me quickly. “Hope that's fine.”

“Yeah, sure,” I say, trying to sound nonchalant. My stomach is in knots again. 

I shift, feeling uncomfortable. 

“There's towels in the storage, you can dry yourself off,” I add, nodding my head towards the door. 

Grayson shoots me a grateful look and gets up quickly. 

“Yeah, uh-” he stammers, avoiding my eyes. “I'll go. Thanks.”

I just nod and busy myself with wiping the counter even though I'm pretty sure James already did that. If the awkward atmosphere keeps up, it's going to be polished to a shine by the time the actual show starts. 

The storage door closes behind Grayson and I close my eyes and breathe out in relief. 

 

 

 

Soon enough people start crowding in, filling the club with the smell of rain, which will quickly be replaced with cigarette smoke. 

The room is surprisingly packed. You would think that during a storm like this one, they’d rather stay home. I smile thinking how a lot of them are probably here to see the London Fire after they gave such a great performance three weeks ago. They keep glancing to the stage, excited and I'd be lying if I said I didn't relate to them. I also want to see Ryan on stage again. The fact that I'll be able to do so many times in the next few months makes me feel warm and giddy. 

God I’m like a highschool fangirl. 

Nate comes out on stage, taps the microphone a few times and the noise the feedback produces spreads throughout the club. 

People begin to quiet down, only murmuring between themselves now. They turn their attention to the stage. James and Grayson come out of the storage room to join me behind the counter.

Now that I think about it, they spent a significant amount of time in there. Not that I'm ungrateful- since James’ presence helps ease the tension between us- but did they really need to hang out that long? I frown at the thought, irritated. 

The crowd cheers bringing me down to earth. 

“Thank you guys for coming!” Nate calls. 

I look to the stage and see Ryan and Alex coming out, and Ryan smiles at me. I blush and wave and he waves back. I get a few stares from people around me but I don't mind it, the opposite actually- I feel satisfaction at their jealous glances.  

The band kicks off with a fast song I recognize from the moshpit. I start tapping my fingers on the counter to the rhythm and then, to my suprise, Grayson joins me. I raise my eyebrows at him with a smirk and he just shrugs leaning in. The music is growing louder and he gets really close, his mouth almost touching my ear. A shiver runs through my body. 

“Don't give me that look... I actually like their music,” he says, and lingers next to me a bit longer than necessary. Long enough to make a slight blush appear on my cheeks. 

He pulls away with a smirk and when I look at him, my stomach twists. His hair is dry now and it's a mess, and it honestly looks so good on him.

I try to ignore how his presence makes me feel. All the definitely unbrotherly thoughts that come to mind. I like Ryan, I know that. 

Doesn't hurt to move closer though, right?

I lean into him slightly, testing the territory. He stiffens a bit and then lets me. We sit like that behind the counter, our knees brushing, and we listen to the band play together. It feels normal and familiar and safe. And for the first time I really start to second guess the tour. 

Leaving Grayson behind.

 

I need to talk to him today. 

The band finishes the song and now Ryan reaches for the mic. 

“How’s everyone doing?”

The crowd cheers. 

“It's good to see you again, let's get crazy tonight!”

The crowd cheers again, louder this time. 

Ryan announces that the next song is going to be a Green Day cover and they cheer once again, excited. 

He begins drumming, but stops after a few beats. 

“One more thing, I want to announce.” There's a moment of silence, everyone listening closely. 

“The London Fire - we- are going on tour! All thanks to your support! Thank you guys for being amazing!”

People begin clapping and shouting words of excitement to the stage and Ryan beams at them. Some even come up closer to the band to get a high-five. The atmosphere is awesome right now, especially compared to how stressful it all was a few moments before. 

Ryan brings the mic closer to his mouth again.

“This is our last show here before we head out east, then end the tour in LA!” 

“Also,” Ryan smirks and looks to the bar. 

Suddenly I get a bad feeling about whatever he’s about to say.“

I wanted to thank our friends here from Kiss for all the support! I can't wait to tour with you guys.” And he winks at us. 

 

I feel Grayson freeze next to me and all the blood leaves my face. My stomach drops. 

He pushes me off of him and looks at me, a confused expression on his face. I want to look away but I can't. 

“Gray, I--”

The band begins playing, loud music blasting through the whole room. I hear it muffled, suddenly feeling isolated from the world, and the only thing I can see is how Graysons expression goes from confused to hurt to angry. 

“What does he mean Ethan?” Grayson mouths at me. 

 

I shake my head. Not now. God, not now. And definitely not in here. 

 

I grab him by the wrist and drag with me to the storage room. I lock the door. 

“Ethan,” Grayson says, expression stern. “What did he mean?”

I close my eyes, breathing in and out trying to clear my head.

“What did he mean?” Grayson repeats, his tone low. “Ethan, I swear if you don't te-”

“I’m going on tour with Ryan,” I interrupt him. 

There, I said it. It’s done. 

“What?” Grayson stares at me in disbelief. “What, I-- when?”

I keep my gaze on the floor. 

“In two days.”

 

Silence.

He doesn't say anything. 

“Grayson, I-”

“Why didn't I know about this? Why didn't you tell me Ethan?” he begins, his voice raising while his eyes turn darker. 

“I was going to, okay? I wanted to tell you-I, I did but its just.. It’s-” I stammer looking for any words that would be appropriate. 

“It’s what?!” He shouts, his eyes slightly glossy.

Fuck. I messed this up so bad and I - I’m so fucking sorry. Please don't cry. 

That’s what I should’ve said.

 

“It's so weird between us!” I shout back. “I can't Grayson, I need- we need to spend time apart I-I dont know whats going on with us, I—”

“You're making it weird! You don't tell me shit Ethan! You're so distant its fucking bizarre!” I open my mouth to say something, but he shoots me a glare. “Suddenly you're into guys and I find out after one of them smashed your face in! Then I find out you try to suck everyone's dick from a random guy at the bar!”

I feel anger building up at his words. Does he have a problem with me now - about the way I am? 

“And then! I find out you want to just leave- just- just go for a few months, just like that huh!” He takes a step closer “And from who? Your fuckbuddy!”

He’s yelling at the top of his lungs now, and a part of me is glad for it.  Anger I can handle. Anger is so much easier to deal with than tears. So I narrow my eyes at him and take a challenging step closer. 

“Leave him out of this.” I say in a warning tone. 

He glares at me. 

“So did you fuck already? Huh?” His eyes are almost black now. “How many dicks did you suck Ethan? Do they pay you?”

 

I blush violently, full of shame. I don’t back down though. His words are making my blood boil. 

“So what,” I ask quietly, my words dripping with venom “Do you have a problem with that? With Ryan? With me liking cock?” 

He doesn't say anything, just stares at me as I approach him. 

 

“Are you mad your brother’s a slut?” I ask, now inches away from him. My head is spinning. I’m so mad I could punch something. I lean close to his ear and he doesn't push me away. “Are you jealous?” I whisper, baiting him, my lips brushing against his earlobe as I speak.

 

I expect him to hit me or to push me away in disgust. He does neither - doesn't even move. His breath hitches.

I back away a little and look into his eyes. They're still dark, but not with rage. No. His eyes reflect a different emotion entirely. I hold his stare and push him back into the wall. 

“Eth-” he tries to protest, and I cut him off putting a hand over his mouth. I lean close to his ear again, his eyes following my movement. They're wide open now and his pupils are blown. 

“Don't. Make. A sound,” I say in a low voice, before dragging my teeth over his earlobe. He whimpers when I suck on the skin there and I pull away, trembling slightly with how angry and frustrated I am.

If he thinks sucking dick and whoring is what I do now just because I like guys as well as girls, well fuck. Why disabuse that notion? Why not show him what I’ve learned? 

I sink to my knees still watching him, my heart beating crazy fast. God what am I doing? 

I try to push all questions - all rational thoughts out of my head as I reach for his belt and roughly unbutton his pants. 

I pull them down, together with his boxers to mid thigh while looking straight into his eyes again. His legs tremble a little as we stare at each other. 

I admire the look for a second, him pinned against the wall, his chest rising and falling rapidly - hair a mess and his cheeks red. I glance at his cock quickly, and see that it's already hardening.

God, he wants this as much as I do. The thought makes my stomach clench.

Not wanting to waste any time, I take his cock into my mouth without breaking eye contact, holding it at the base with my hand. He sucks in air and stiffens. 

I begin bobbing my head up and down slowly, looking at him as I suck stronger, hollowing my cheeks out. His eyes close and a choked moan escapes his mouth. I lick up and down and as I'm going up, I lightly drag my teeth across his cock. 

I get to the head and focus on that, sucking with more force again and he gasps. Then I push my tongue into his slit and Grayson throws his head back in pleasure, biting his lip hard. I hum around his dick and pause to look up at him through lidded eyes. 

Both of his eyes are shut tight when his hand wanders into my hair, gripping it while he guides me down over his length again. I comply, taking him in as well as I can, and I do my best not to gag when the head of his cock hits the back of my throat. 

He grips my hair tighter and I bet he regrets cutting it short now. I hollow my cheeks out again going as far down as possible, burying my nose into his pubic hair. His hips buck - maybe involuntarily - and I use my free arm to hold him down. He looks down at me then, but I just hold his stare and suck harder, watching his mouth fall open while his face freezes with muted pleasure. I begin going up and down faster, using my hand to pump his cock from the base. He moans again, pretty loudly this time, so I slow down and glare at him warningly.

I tentatively push my tongue into his slit again, and this time he bites into his hand so as not to make any noise. Satisfied he won’t get us caught, I speed up again, this time properly helping my mouth with my hand and stroking him from the base of his cock. His breathing becomes more ragged then, and I feel his legs tremble again. I think he's getting close. I do my best and sink low as he pushes me even deeper by the hair. Grayson’s grip is secure and demanding, but it’s nothing like the other asshole I’d blown. No. His fingers tug roughly only once, before sliding down to cradle the back of my neck in a way that makes me want to keep sucking him off forever.

A little drool slips out of my mouth and down my chin as I look up at him, my nose still buried in the hair there. He opens his mouth - wanting to say something, and I squeeze his cock at the base. Grayson shudders hard and bites roughly into his hand again.

He comes in my mouth, warm liquid spilling down my throat. I do my best to keep it all in, but I fail, and some of his cum drips down my chin. I sit back on my heels and I keep eye contact with him as I swallow. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and stand up, getting closer to him again. 

“Ethan...” he breathes out, sounding wrecked. My knees feel weak and I realize then how hard I am. I lean close to his ear trying to compose myself. 

“Thanks for letting me practice,” I say shakily, pulling away while I look at his mouth. It’s red from him biting it. 

As reality settles and my anger fades, the enormity of what’s happened between the two of us - what I’ve done - slowly starts sinking in.

 

Shit.

“I better go,” I say in an unsteady voice. 

Fuck, fuck. 

 

FUCK.

 

I run out of the storage, feeling tears building up in my eyes. I need to get out. Music keeps blasting and I find James doing his job and actually working, and not blowing his brother in a storage room. 

What the fuck is wrong with me? 

“James!” I grab his arm, panicking. “I messed up. Help me!”

He looks lost and then worry fills his eyes.

"What happened? What-”

“Help me, please help me. I- I need to get out of here. I can't breathe.”

“Hey, hey,” He turns his whole attention to me now trying to soothe me, to calm me down. The music is way too loud I can't hear a thing. “Hey Ethan listen. Calm down.” 

I nod my head, choking on my sobs. Tears started falling I don't even know when. He pushes something into my fist and I look down and see car keys. 

“Go in my car, rest, and breathe Ethan. I'll come check up on you ok?” he says staring at me intensely, rubbing my arms up and down. “A silver Chevrolet.”

“I- I Grayson can’t see me,” I whisper. 

“I’ll send him home. Go, Ethan.” 

 

No need to tell me twice. I rush to the exit and then to the parking lot looking for James’ car. It's still pouring and my clothes that had managed to dry earlier are soaking again. I didn't even grab my coat. 

I find the car quickly, because there's not many of them. I get in the backseat, shut the door behind me and hide my face in my hands. 

I slowly take deeper breaths trying to process what just happened. 

 

I blew my brother and we were both way more into it than we should have been. 

 

I blew my brother. 

 

My first successful blowjob was with my twin. 

 

I sucked Grayson’s dick and I liked it. 

 

The thoughts make me feel even more panicked and sick. And dirty, god, I feel so dirty. I scratch the skin at my wrists while forcefully swallowing the bile that’s risen to the back of my throat. 

And the worst part of it all is that I'm still hard. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayy finally getting to the good parts, so you can expect only more drama from now on hehehe 😳 jazdunia
> 
> Thank you for reading! 💛 and hugee thank you to my friends as well for helping with the chapter, love you guys the most!  
> Gracerevealed is amazing xx  
> ty tez misia buzi  
> ✌️✌️


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s a question I often ask myself: what would I do with me? And I don’t know the answer. I don’t know what I’d do, except run away.”  
> — Alexander Masters, Stuart: A Life Backwards

 

_Grayson,_

 

_After what happened I think we can both agree it would be best if we spent some time apart._

_I feel lost and confused and I need space to clear my head._

_I’m leaving with James, Ryan and the others to go on tour, but I’ll be back in a few months. Hopefully by then we can forget about everything._

_What went down between us should have never happened. I was angry and I wasn't thinking straight._

_I’m sorry for not telling you I was leaving sooner. Sorry for not telling you about all the other stuff too. Most of all … sorry for leaving. I never wanted you to find out the way you did._

_Don't try to contact me when I'm gone,_

 

_Ethan_

 

 

I stare at the messy handwriting - the note in my hand illuminated by the car’s dim domed lighting. It's pouring again. My hands shake a little and I feel nauseous. The rain has slightly let up since it started falling earlier that evening, tapping on the windshield in a soothing manner - but I’m anything but calm. 

 

It's 4 am now and I’ve pulled into mine and Grayson’s driveway where I’ve been sitting for almost an hour in James’ beat up Chevy. It had only taken me two minutes to write the note, and since then I’ve been reading it over and over again, making sure it sounded alright and building up the courage to go inside. My nails and the skin around them are completely bitten raw by now.

I lean further into my seat and take a deep breath trying to compose myself. 

I just need to sneak in as quietly as possible, quickly pack my stuff for tour, and leave Grayson the note. With any luck, he'll be asleep. I really fucking hope he is, otherwise the note, and all of my built up anxiety would’ve been for nothing.

I put the torn off paper inside my jacket, reach for the lever on the door and step outside the car. I shut the door behind me as quietly as I can, mindful not to break the silence of the night. 

On any other occasion I would enjoy the soothing atmosphere. Enjoy that the only sounds at this hour was the faint buzzing of the overhead street lamps, the burbling rain and the whisper of the tree branches ruffled gently by the wind. Right now though, I can't help but find all of it eerie and menacing. 

I look up and see that the lights in our apartment are all turned off. 

Good.

I swallow hard and make my way inside the building. 

 

 

The floor creaks slightly under my weight when I enter. I freeze in place and hold my breath, feeling my heart thumping loudly in my chest. I listen closely, looking for any sign that Grayson might be awake, but the only sound I hear is the ticking of the clock in the kitchen. I let out a stream of air and carefully take a few steps forward. 

Just get my stuff and go without waking Grayson up. Should be easy. 

I begin making my way towards the staircase but I almost immediately stop again. I hear a shuffle in the living room. 

Shit. 

Light snoring fills the air and I force some of the tension out of my shoulders. Thank god he's sleeping. In the living room though? 

I frown a little and stick my neck out from around the doorway, narrowing my eyes at the couch. 

I carefully approach it, and a snoring Grayson is slowly revealed. The air sticks in my throat when I see him, memories from last night coming back, and a wicked blush appear on my face. He fell asleep on the couch in his everyday clothes, like he sometimes does while reading, but this time there's no book in sight. Why did he stay up so long? 

He looks so different now that he's sleeping, so innocent and peaceful. His breathing is regular, his eyes closed lightly and his nose burrowed into the pillow that he's cuddling. 

The sight is so familiar, yet it evokes none of the feelings it used to. A few weeks ago I would smile at him and think how silly he was for giving up his comfortable bed and crashing on their large ratty sofa instead. I would take his book out of his hand, careful not to lose the page he ended on, or sometimes I would wake him up and push him towards his room. Occasionally I would even slide in next to him and cuddle. 

I can't do any of that anymore. 

There's no book to take out of his hand. While waiting for me to come home, he probably got too tired and passed out. My stomach twists and my heart aches at the realization.

Would he really want to see me again?

 

Grayson shivers and pulls his legs closer to his chest.

I turn away because looking at him causes my heart to ache. It's too much. I _need_ to get out of here. 

I slowly back out the room, careful not to make any noise. I pause in front of the staircase. Going up the uncarpeted steps was gonna be the real challenge. 

The wood squeaks as soon as I put my foot on the first tread. Well, fuck. 

I listen closely to any noise coming from the living room but there's nothing. He really must've been tired huh. I wonder if he pulled an all-nighter the evening before too. 

I push the thoughts away not wanting to feel worse than I already do. No one told him to wait up for me. He could've gone to sleep like he always does. A part of me knows that Grayson probably wasn't able to sleep after what happened. I clearly wasn't able to either. 

 

I somehow manage to get upstairs without waking him up. Moving quickly I grab a backpack and throw some clothes, some of my favourite CD’s and a few cassettes inside too. Also I take my painkillers that I left on the desk. Definitely need those. 

I take one last look at my room. It's messy like it always is. There are cigarette stubs and ash on the nightstand and I haven't changed my sheets in a while. Honestly, I'm kinda glad I won't have to sleep in here for the next couple of months.

 

I should probably take my toothbrush and soap and all that too. I head to the bathroom, still on my tip toes. 

My toothbrush is standing in a cup near the sink together with Grayson’s. It doesn't feel right, taking it out, knowing I won't put it back. 

 

The realization that I'm leaving is finally settling in now. I hesitantly reach for my toothbrush. I won't see Grayson for a few months. I won't talk to him. I won't get to sleep in his bed. 

Then again, after I sucked his dick and ruined everything, I probably wouldn't be allowed to do that anyway. 

 

I take my toothbrush out and put it in my backpack. I also go to grab soap from the shower and my hand lingers on the new bottle I recently bought for a second. Impulsively I decide to take Grayson’s instead. It might help me not feel so lonely in the coming months. Plus Ryan likes it too. 

Thinking of Ryan right now doesn't feel right. It makes my stomach clench - and not in a good way.

God, I need to get my shit together and just leave. Did it really take something as simple as a toothbrush to make me feel like this whole plan might not be such a good idea? Even still, I feel like it's too late to go back on my word now.

I grab a blanket from Grayson’s room before heading downstairs again. 

 

 

He’s still snoring when I approach him and I notice that he's moved quite a lot while I was packing.

I hope he's not waking up.

Not wanting to push my luck any further, I pull the note from my jacket and leave it on the coffee table next to the couch. I turn to grab the blanket because, it's almost winter now, and so there's a bit chil in the air.

“E...” he murmurs in a sleepy, low voice. 

 

I freeze. 

Shit. 

Fuck. 

I hold my breath - my heart beating so fast it feels like it's gonna burst out of my chest. 

“Etha-” a small, barely noticeable moan interrupts his mumbling. 

 

.. What? 

 

I turn around expecting him to be wide awake but no. He's still sleeping. And he's moved again, this time laying on his stomach. He rubs himself on the couch. 

Oh. 

 _Ohh._  

Blood rushes to my face making me blush violently. I stare at him in disbelief when another choked moan escapes his mouth. I can't believe this. 

 

Grayson is having a wet dream. 

 

About me. 

 

I should leave right now, even though a part of me kinda wants to stay. 

Grayson’s breath hitches like it did last night when I was sucking him off. I feel blood rush to a different part of my body now and I really, really need to leave right this fucking moment before I don’t leave at all. The images from last night are vivid in my memory. All the details, how his fingers gripped my hair and cradled my neck, how his legs were shaking, the sounds he made and - and now I feel myself getting hard. 

 

No. Nope. Not doing this again. 

 

I throw a blanket over him, turn on my heel, and leave the apartment. 

The lock clicks when I close the door and I let out a stream of air  in relief. 

 

 

I get into James’ car and throw the backpack in the passenger seat. I take a moment to process that this was the last time I would see Grayson for a while. There's a pang in my chest and I don't know why, but I look out the car to check the windows of our home. The lights are still all turned off.

I try not to think how he's going to wake up tomorrow to only find a short note on the coffee table. And I try not to think how he's going to feel when he goes to brush his teeth only to find my toothbrush missing, and that it’ll be missing for a few months. And that all I have to remind me of him while I’m gone is his stupid, girly smelling shampoo. And that despite how perverted our relationship is right now, I'm going to miss him so fucking much. 

 

To my shame, a tear runs down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it off and start the car. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This a bit of a shorter one but next part will come out hopefully soon.
> 
> Love you all,   
> Peace ✌️


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Come Home"  
> —George MacDonald, "The Sweetest and Shortest of Songs"  
> from “The Complete Poems & Fairytales”

Aside from the fact that I arrive at James' around 5am and he wakes me up only 4 hours later, I just can't sleep. I keep waking up. We're leaving on tour today in the evening. 

After the incident with Grayson, I asked James if he could put me up until the tour. I kept it vague, told him me and Gray had argued and that it was bad. That he found out about the whole me giving out blow jobs thing and that he kinda sorta called me a whore. Obviously I leave out the part where I sucked Gray off. When he asked for more details, I tell him that I don’t want to talk about it and thankfully, James doesn’t push it. He agrees to let me stay with him, Ian, and their aunt until we leave. 

Honestly, their aunt could’ve rejected the whole arrangement, but she’s sweet and super maternal and whispers that me and Gray will make up soon when she passes me on her way out the second morning I’ve been there. She reminds me of my mom a little, which makes me think about home and about the fact that I haven't been there in a while. I never thought I'd think twice about that place when I left.

I cringe a little at the memory of home. It never felt like one after he'd found out about me. The door to my room had become permanently damaged because of the force he’d use to yank it open. The locks even broke off after a time. After a while, I had more or less moved into Grayson’s room. 

I cringe even more at the memory of Grayson. 

I sigh and look at the clock. It's almost 2 pm which means I should be heading out soon. I had promised to show Antonio around Kiss before I leave today. 

I put my coat on because it still hasn't stopped raining, and then I leave the house. 

It’s a 30 minute walk to Kiss from James' house so I decide to just go for it. I could use some more movement and fresh air. Well, as fresh as you get here. So not really.

The rain is barely there now, feeling more like a mist. I take out my walkman, knowing it won't get wet, and put on Disintegration by the Cure. I actually got that cassette from Grayson, two years ago on our birthday. I just now realize that I won't be around for our birthday this year. Huh. 

I take the cassette out. Why did I even choose this one? 

Annoyed, I look through my backpack for another one and decide on Violator by Depeche Mode. I stole this one from Grayson a while ago. Huh. After giving it a second thought I put the cassette back inside. 

Joy Division maybe? One of Grayson’s favourites. 

 

... 

What the fuck is going on with me? 

 

I yank the headphones out and shove the walkman into my backpack. I'm not going to listen to his stupid cassettes.

I huff and kick a pebble at a pigeon standing in the middle of a sidewalk. It flutters its wings frantically and doges my bullet. Then it shoots me an accusing look and I roll my eyes. Don't fucking stand there then. 

Whatever. 

I just want this day to end. I still have around 20 minutes of walking left. I should've taken the bus. 

Suddenly someone runs from around the corner bumping into me. This is too much. 

“Fucking watch where you're going,” I snap and yank my hood off to see who I'm talking to. 

Antonio looks up at me with big eyes and for a moment she looks scared. I immediately back down, feeling ashamed at my outburst. 

“Sorry I-” I begin fidgeting with my hands when I hear footsteps and Antonio turns around quickly. Then she grabs my arm and moves behind me to hide. Ok? 

I raise my eyebrows at her. 

“Will you cut it out?” A guy says in an annoyed tone, appearing from around the corner. I furrow my brows at him. 

 

He looks similar to Antonio. They both have the same almond shaped, dark eyes and the same thick eyebrows. His hair is dark like hers and it's also a mess. He looks like he hasn't sleep in forever, the bags under his eyes are huge. There's also a crease forming in his forehead. I assume he's her brother. 

He looks like an asshole and I decide that I don't like him in the slightest. 

I fold my arms over my chest and raise a brow at him. 

“Is there a problem? ” I say narrowing my eyes. 

His gaze flickers between me and Antonio and a frown forms on his face. 

“I said I'd drop you off c'mon, knock it off.” He says to Antonio ignoring me. Her grip on my arm tightens, her nails digging slightly into my skin. 

“I don't need you to come with,” she says her voice shaking barely noticeably. “Just go home David”

“Listen here, you little shit I have every right to know where-” he begins approaching us and I cut him off. 

“Leave,” I say, my eyes turning darker. He finally turns his attention to me and furrows his brows. 

“Fuck off,” He says through gritted teeth. “None of your business.”

“I said, leave.” 

He spits in my the face. Oh my fucking god that’s the last fucking straw. 

I punch him right in the center of his face, actually glad I can take out my anger on something with my fist. I hear Antonio gasp behind me. Her brother stumbles backwards and looks at me with wide eyes. Honestly he looks taken aback. What the fuck did he expect? 

“Is this how you wanna do it?” I ask quietly. 

He grimaces and looks away. 

“Alright, fine.” He reluctantly turns around to leave. “We're not done yet.” He says over his shoulder to Antonio. She grips me tighter again. 

“Just fuck off,” I hear her say, anger clear in her voice. He spits on the ground this time and then he leaves. 

We stand in silence for a while before Antonio lets out air in relief and lets go of my arm. I rub it up and down as its sore where she gripped it. She's not very strong but she does have long nails. 

I turn around and look at her.

“Thanks,” she mumbles blushing slightly, eyes glued to her shoes.

“What the hell was that?” I snap, irritated and she flinches. My eyes widen. “Shit. I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that,” I say reaching out to her, but then I retract my hand. Well this is awkward. 

“Are you okay?”

She bites and lip and nods quickly. 

“Your brother?” I ask. 

“Yeah,” she says with a frown. She looks up from the ground. 

“He's an asshole.” 

“No shit.” She replies in a sarcastic tone a grimace spreading through her face. 

I take out cigarettes and offer her one. Her expression softens and she takes it, grateful. We begin to walk in Kiss’ direction in silence.

 

“Why was he even here?” I ask, finishing my cigarette. I drop it to the ground and step on it to put it out. 

“He wanted to drop me off.” She shrugs. “It was nice of him, but then he wanted to come with me and I said no, because I don't want him to know where I work.”

I raise my brows at her so she gestures vaguely.

“He'd just come and embarrass me all the time. He's so possessive sometimes.” She drops her cigarette to the ground and tugs a strand of hair behind her ear. “So he got angry and wanted to follow me. I should've seen that coming.”

“What a dick.”

“He means well,” she says, her face blank again. 

Oh yeah, sure he does.

“He just has some anger issues is all,” Antonio shrugs and I decide to drop the subject. 

At least her eye looks better now. 

 

 

 

I hold the door open for her and she carefully walks in looking around with wide eyes. I smile at her. 

“It's not  _that_  special,” I say. 

She scoffs and punches me lightly in the shoulder. 

“Piss off. I don't go out often.” I raise my eyebrows at the statement and she rolls her eyes. “Don't give me that look. I don't.”

“Fine, fine,” I say rising my hands in mock defense, a smile still on my lips. “If you say so.”

I show her around the place, taking her backstage and to the bathroom. She frowns at the sight of the bathroom. I don't blame her, honestly. Most of the tiles in here are either stained or cracked. There's tons of signatures and all kinds of inappropriate drawings on the walls. It's dark in here, even after we've turned on the lights. They buzz quite loudly and flicker from time to time. The bathroom looks like something out of a horror movie. 

Kinda funny that Ryan blew me in here. 

 

I show Antonio the bar and her eyes light up a little.

“No drinking at work,” I say at her reaction. 

She rolls her eyes but looks slightly abashed. 

“I know that,” she mumbles. 

I look at the clock and it's getting pretty late, Ian should be here any moment now. He agreed to come earlier to teach Antonio how to make some basic drinks and all that.

Speak of the devil. 

We both jump a little when the door opens and he steps inside in hurry. He smiles slightly when he sees us and approaches the counter. 

Antonio stares at him with big eyes and I nudge her shoulder, smirking. She immediately turns her gaze to the floor, blushing. Oh wow, really? 

“Hey,” Ian says, reaching his hand over the counter. Antonio shakes it, smiling. 

I look at her in disbelief. No sarcastic remarks or eyerolls, nothing? Maybe she and Ian will get along better than I'd thought. 

“Ethan,” Ian turns to me now “You better check the phone. I think someone’s been trying to get in touch with you for the past two days.” He sends me a knowing look and I furrow my brows. The Kiss’ phone?

I open my mouth getting ready to protest but Ian just glares at me. I know he doesn't approve of me not telling anything to Grayson. Obviously, he can relate. I'd say his reasons to be annoyed with me are rather selfish than actual compassion towards Gray. I don't really care about what he has to say anyway. It doesn't take much to realise he's less friendly towards me than James.

“Fine, I'll check the phone,” I mutter and turn towards the storage. “You guys do your thing,” I say over my shoulder. Ian just nods and Antonio blushes a little again. 

 

 

The storage. I've avoided it since the incident two days ago. Well ... I avoided the whole of Kiss in general, but the storage in particular. My stomach clenches when I enter the room. 

The light takes a while to turn on but when it finally does, I feel like maybe I should've looked for the phone in the dark. The sight of the room makes me feel nauseous. 

It looks just like it did two nights ago. A regular room that shouldn't make me feel as sick as it does. I see the place where I pinned him against the wall after we argued. Where I sank to my knees and unbuttoned his pants. Where he said my name so breathlessly my knees felt weak.

 

Alright, maybe the room has every right to make me feel like I'm gonna to throw up. 

I quickly find the phone and pick it up. The digital counter is flashing with the number of voicemail’s that’ve been left. My stomach drops when I hear Graysons voice and how distressed he sounds. 

 

“Um, hey Ethan? Are you still at Kiss? We need to talk.” He's clearly nervous.

I suck in air and close my eyes. Fuck. 

 

“Are you going to come home tonight? We have to talk. Stop it, c'mon this is important.” Grayson sounds slightly annoyed right now. Do I really want to go through all of the voicemails? 

 

“Are you doing this again? Fucking grow up Ethan and stop ignoring me.” I flinch a little. Fuck, he is pissed off. He hates me. 

 

“Hey this is Grayson, can Ethan come to the phone. Please this is important.” His anger fades and he sounds tired now. I wonder how long the break between calls was. 

 

“Ethan if you're listening, please come home. Don't leave.”

 

“Ethan, knock it off. I didn't mean anything I said, alright? I didn't mean it and... I'm sorry.” His voice shakes. Tears start to build up slowly in my eyes now. I close them trying to calm down. 

 

“Please don't go, E. You can't do this to us.”

 

Us? Is there an ‘us’? The word makes a slight blush appear on my cheeks. I shake my head. Get a grip, this isn't the time. 

 

“Come home,” he says in a pleading voice.

 

That's when I put the phone down. My heart aches too much. I lean against the wall hiding my face in my hands. He sounded so wrecked and I made him cry. God, this is all my fault. 

I slide down the wall and pull my knees to my chest. Tears burn my throat and I let them fall. I don't know what to do anymore. 

 

 

 

“You ready?” James asks, turning the car off and looking in my direction. I nod my head stiffly, gripping my backpack in my lap tighter. Let's just leave already. I rub my arm nervously but stop when I feel a sharp pain. Right, the fresh blisters. Don't wanna pop them now. I don't know when I'll be able to clean them on the bus. 

James sends me a sympathetic smile and I smile back, but we're both too anxious to actually feel excited for the tour. I take a deep breath and exit the car. He does, too and then he goes to open the trunk to grab all of his makeup equipment. I promised to help him carry it to the bus, so I do. 

Its surprisingly decent seeing as the band is not that well known. I expected us to be touring in a van or some shit. Ryan steps from outside waving at me and smiling. I smile back feeling warmth pooling in my stomach. 

Nate is leaning on the side of the bus talking to a girl I recognise from our impromptu weed party a few weeks back. She laughs and tugs a strand of hair behind her ear. Her sleeve rides up slightly. Oh, that's her.

James approaches them quickly. 

“Nate, Billie - hi!” He says and he seems to have actually calmed down. I wish I could say the same about myself. I follow James and stand awkwardly next to them. Ryan hops out of the bus and wraps a arm around my shoulder. I ease a little at his presence. 

“Everyone else ready?” James aks furrowing his brows slightly. 

“Well, yeah,” Ryan says shrugging. 

“Sorry you had to wait.” James sends him an apologetic smile but he just waves his hand. 

“All good,” Ryan grins. He takes his arm off my shoulder and grabs my elbow lightly. “C'mon get inside.” He pulls me after him and I comply. 

My chest feels a bit lighter now that he's here. 

 

He hops inside and I go after him careful not to drop any of James’ stuff. 

The inside of the bus is a bit dim and smells slightly of leather. But it's nice. I walk up the narrow steps slowly after him. 

I put James’ bag down and straighten my back looking around. 

 

I freeze. 

 

My stomach drops and I feel all the colour drain from my face. 

 

Oh fuck. 

 

Fuck. 

 

I stare at him in disbelief. What the hell is he doing here? 

 

Grayson stops talking with Alex and some other guy on the couch and flashes me a quick smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo they're both going stop yelling at me in the comments now please
> 
> Now for some drama and romance on the tour👀👀👀  
> Anyway, thank you for reading as always love you guys!  
> Peace ✌️


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All in this world has broken.   
> All that's left is silence. 
> 
> (Leave me in this field  
> weeping.) 
> 
> The blackened horizon   
> is bitten by fires. 
> 
> (I've told you to leave me  
> in this field   
> weeping.)"   
> — Federico García Lorca, tr. by Sarah Arvio, from “Poem of the Cante Fondo,”

 

Finally on the expressway, the bus rocks into a soothing lull as I sit on the leather couch in the back. I lean further into the couch and look out the window. 

 

The road behind us is completely empty, which is to be expected seeing as we've left the city a little before midnight. The sky above is pitch black and no stars are visible. Only the moon is shining faintly through dark, heavy clouds, which move lazily across the sky, slowly letting out tiny glimmers of light. 

Gazing at the dark clouds makes me feel uneasy. They look almost as if they've followed us here from Seattle. I shiver a bit and turn my attention away from the sky. 

We're driving by empty fields now, making our way through that part of the country where grass stands as tall as people, and when it sways in the wind, it mimics the strange ebb and flow of the sea. There's nothing else in sight for miles but farmland, a few lonely trees, and occasionally, a sad looking scarecrow. From time to time I'll see a house in the distance, so far away, only the lights in the windows give away that it's there. 

I can’t help but wonder who lives in these houses. In the middle of nowhere, surrounded by empty fields overgrown with grass.

My curiosity is paired with a sense of longing. Living all the way out here... is it lonely or freeing? Do the people feel abandoned and isolated or are they carefree, living by their own rules - not having to worry about the world at large? 

I sigh and tear my gaze away, ignoring the empty feeling in my chest. 

The wind is growing stronger - the clouds darker - signaling an approaching storm.

 

Laughter erupts inside the bus, pulling me away from my thoughts. 

At least the mood in here is lighter. Everyone seems to be having a good time, well mostly everyone. I tighten my grip on a beer bottle, my knee jumping anxiously. Nate says something funny and I force a smile at him, trying to look as casual as I can. I hope he's too drunk to care. 

My knees keep bumping with Ryan's and he reaches his arm behind me, resting it on my shoulders. I shift slightly, reluctantly giving in. 

I feel Grayson’s gaze on me. 

I pick at the label of the beer bottle nervously not daring to look up to the other couch where he’s sitting.

 

Why the hell is he even here? Who invited him? I can't recall Ryan or any of the other band members doing so. I certainly didn't. James knew we weren’t speaking. He wouldn't do this to me, right? 

Maybe I should've known better than to think Grayson would just let me leave without clearing things up. The fucking nerve of this guy though.

 

I haven't spoken to him yet, trying to pretend like he isn't here. Honestly what does someone even say in a situation like this? Love you bro - sorry I sucked your dick?

The whole thing is seriously messing with my head. 

I finish my beer and quickly reach to grab another one. This is my 4th bottle and should be more than enough to get me tipsy, but I still feel oddly sober. I can't relax when he's here and looking at me this intensely.

“Hey,” Ryan says leaning closer to my ear. A shiver runs down my spine. “Relax, Ethan.”

“Motion sickness,” I send him an apologetic smile. He nods and squeezes my shoulder lightly, bringing us even closer together.

"Do you like party games?” he asks suddenly with a smirk. I raise a brow at him but smile back. I try to ignore Grayson’s burning gaze on me. 

“What are you, 13?”

“Plus ten, yeah.” He shrugs. “C'mon who doesn't like party games? It’ll loosen all of us up. ”

I smile at him and shake my head in disbelief. Party games? Really?

“I take that as a yes?”

Before I can reply, Ryan kisses me lightly below my ear. I instantly blush, my stomach flipping. I brush my fingers against the place where he kissed me, my skin still burning from his touch. Maybe I’m the 13 year old here. 

He pulls away and grins turning to the others. 

 

Wait. 

“Anyone wanna play truth or dare?” He asks cheerfully, then quickly finishes his beer and sets the bottle on the floor. 

I see Grayson choke on his beer and he looks at Ryan with wide eyes. If my stomach hadn't just clenched apprehensively at Ryan's words, I would’ve probably laughed at him. But there's nothing funny about this. I should've said I needed to sleep or something instead. 

Alex seems surprised and Nate just laughs. 

“Really?” he says in a sarcastic tone, smirking. 

Penny, a groupie who’s been all over Nate since we left, claps her hands in excitement. 

“I love party games!” She grips Nate’s shoulder and beams at him. “Let's play!”

He looks at her shaking his head with a smile and she bats her eyelashes at him leaning lower to suck on his neck a little. 

“Please?” She says in an overly sweet voice. 

I almost gag. 

“Fine, fine,” he gives in and Penny giggles happily. 

I'm honestly sick of these two. They've been necking and getting above-the-shirt handsy with each other ever since Penny got drunk. So, for the past two hours. 

Alex just shakes his head and smilingly says, “Alright.”

Ryan beams at him.

“Gray?” he says looking at Grayson expectantly. I cringe at his use of the nickname. Since when were they so familiar with each other? 

“Um, yeah sure,” Grayson says, shifting nervously. He keeps his eyes on the floor. 

The rest of the tour members - Billie, who I found out is the band's photographer, Andy, the foreign guy - Michał, the technicians, and another driver, all gradually moved towards the front of the bus. James and Tony - who I guess is their manager or agent - also move, sitting on the opposite side of the bus, completely engrossed in their conversation. 

So that leaves the band members, Grayson, me, and Nate’s chick to play.

Ryan seems satisfied and reaches for the bottle. 

“I'll start.” He flicks the empty bottle and it starts spinning quickly. I bite my lip nervously. I can do stupid dares sure, unless any of them involved Grayson. I can barely look at him. 

The bottle stops spinning landing on Nate. He groans and Penny giggles. Ryan rises an eyebrow at him. “Dare,” Nate says holding his stare. “Obviously.”

Ryan smirks, satisfied. 

“I dare you to chug the rest of your beer.”

Nate holds the bottle up looking at him in disbelief.

“The hell? It's almost full!” he furrows his brows. “No way I'm drinking it all in one go! I’ll puke!”

“Not my problem,” Ryan shrugs. 

“You're only making me do this because of your fucking creepy as fuck vomit kink,” Nate mumbles before he takes a deep breath and brings the bottle closer to his lips. 

 

Did I hear that right? Ryan has a vomit kink? My mind immediately goes back to when we first ‘met’. I mean... I guess I could've figured it out. I feel myself blush.

Nate starts chugging his beer and I eye the 64 ounce growler skeptically. There’s no way he can drink all that in one go. Penny gasps watching him intently, and I can see worry flash through Alex's face. Grayson seems unamused, looking at Ryan with a weird expression. 

Is this about the vomit kink? 

 

I hear a gulp and look to Nate who's now gone a bit green in the face and is gripping the couch tightly. He’s almost downed the whole bottle which is actually really impressive. 

Alex sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“Go,” he says using his thumb to point to the bus bathroom. Nate shakes his head stubbornly, and Ryan looks at him curiously. 

He motions for him to finish the bottle, earning a glare from Alex. Alex really is like the mom around here. I feel like him and Grayson would get along well. They’ve been sitting quite close to each other tonight. Was it Alex that invited him? Weird. I always thought he was straight. Is he trying to get into Gray’s pants? But Grayson didn’t like guys, though given how thoroughly he enjoyed me sucking him off, part of me was starting to doubt that. 

I narrow my eyes at them suddenly feeling suspicious. 

Nate brings the bottle closer to his mouth again and takes a long drag before he suddenly quickly slaps his hand over his mouth. His eyes widen. 

“The bathroom, Nate go now!” Alex snaps at him. “I'm not fucking cleaning seat vomit.” 

Nate doesn't seem to need much convincing. He stands up and almost runs to the small bathroom. 

Ryan breaks into a fit of laughter. I can't help but crack a smile as well. It’s kinda funny to see Nate like this, especially since he's so cocky all the time. Penny giggles as well, to my suprise.

Nate finally comes out of the bathroom shooting us all a glare while wiping his mouth. Ryan just winks at him as he goes back to his seat. He flips Ryan off. Penny giggles again but Nate doesn't seem too amused and rolls his eyes at her. She immediately stops and fiddles with her hands nervously, a blush covering her cheeks. 

Nate just reaches past her to grab the bottle and spins It, a bit aggressively. It lands on Penny. 

She blushes even more. 

“Dare,” she says, trying to get back some of her flirtatious edge, but it doesn't really work seeing as she doesn't look nearly as confident as she did before. 

“Alright, “ Nate says with a smirk. “I dare you to give a lap dance to the next person the bottle lands on.”

Her eyes widen a little before the playfullnes from before appears in them again. She nods and smiles back at Nate, batting her eyelashes. Really? Is this a turn on for them?

I can only imagine that he'd use this later to call her all types of demeaning names while they fucked. Though maybe I'm not in a place to judge, since it was Grayson calling me a whore that basically lead to me sucking his dick. 

Whatever, I just hope we get to a motel soon before they decide to fuck right here in front of everyone. 

Ryan pokes me in the side with an elbow and when I turn to him, he mimics a gagging motion. I grin at that. 

Penny reaches for the bottle, not taking her eyes off Nate. She bites her lip lightly and spins the bottle.

It lands on Grayson. 

 

Oh. 

I quickly look to him and see him blush. 

Grayson glances in my direction and our eyes meet for a second. It makes my stomach flip. 

Maybe in the past, I'd be rooting for him, happy that he'd get a lap dance from a hot girl. 

Not now though. Most of me feels annoyed and weirdly pissed off at the whole thing. 

Penny approaches him, slow but confident. 

She reaches her arm past him and rests it on the back of couch. I shift uncomfortably and avert my gaze. I focus on the beer bottle in my hand trying not to think how my stomach clenches when Penny leans in closer to Gray. 

I hear a whistle and reclutantly look up.

Penny has both of her legs on Grayson’s sides and she rolls her hips going lower almost brushing against his crotch. I grip the bottle I’m holding tighter, trying to calm myself down. She rests her hands on his knees and actually sits in his lap, rocking back and forth a few times. I can't really see Grayson’s face from where I'm sitting, but when Penny rolls her hips again and he gasps I decide that that's it. That's the final straw. 

I clear my throat loudly and Penny freezes, then turns around to look at me. Her cheeks are flushed. 

“Don't get too carried away guys,” I say, forcing a tight smile and she smiles back sheepishly. In reality I wanna either puke or punch something. Also, why the hell doesn't Nate stop her? Am I the only sane person in here who doesn't approve of this? 

Penny reluctantly stands up and goes back to her seat. Both her and Grayson are red in the face. He doesn't look in my direction, focusing his attention on his hands. 

This time the bottle lands on me.

“Dare,” I say keeping my eyes on my beer bottle. Whatever. 

Penny bites her lip and nods, looking thoughtful for a second.

“Take your shirt off,” she says, shrugging. 

 

Oh. Shit. 

Definitely not. 

“No,” I say fast, maybe a bit too fast, earning surprised looks from everyone. Even Grayson frowns at my outburst.

“I'm cold,” I say folding my arms over my chest. It’s a lame excuse and I know it, but it’s the best thing I can think of. I can't let them see my arms. Especially not Gray. 

Penny crooks her head to the side and pouts. I groan.

“Look,” I say grabbing the hem of my shirt, pulling it up and showing my stomach and my chest. “You wanna look, knock yourselves out. But I'm already sick because of the rain so I need to keep it on.”

“Aww come on, a dare’s a dare. You can't just not do it,” Penny frowns and I find her even more annoying now than I did just a while ago. 

“Piss off. I'm not doing it.”

She opens her mouth to say something when Ryan reaches over and pulls my shirt down, covering my stomach again. 

“Alright guys, lay off. This isn't a fucking porno.” I can hear in his voice that he's also a bit annoyed. Good. I thought I was the only one beginning to feel uncomfortable. 

They all seem dissatisfied, but they decide to let it go.

Grayson keeps looking at me, so I glare at him and he backs down, focusing on his hands again.

Can this stupid game be over now? 

I roll the bottle, annoyed. It lands on Grayson and he looks up at me with big eyes. Don't look at me like that. I'm not the pervert here, enjoying lap dances in front of everyone. 

I narrow my eyes at the bottle, then I take out my cigarettes and toss Grayson the pack - maybe with a little more force than necessary. 

“Smoke three at the same time.” I say not looking at him.

“Um, no?” He tosses the pack back and I shoot him a glare. Grayson frowns. “I didn't even say if I choose a dare.”

I roll my eyes at him. 

“Yeah, it's obvious everyone chooses dare.”

Grayson narrows his eyes at me. 

“Truth,” he says challengingly.

The fuck? I feel myself getting even more angry. 

“How did you enjoy Penny grinding her ass on your dick just now?” I snap, forgetting that there's other people listening. 

Grayson’s jaw clenches and he blushes violently. 

“It was great,” he says through gritted teeth. “How did you enjoy Ryan sucking you off?”

I stand up, fingers trembling slightly as I try to put a clamp on my emotions. This again? 

“Would you fuck off Grayson!” I shout and his eyes grow wide and he backs down. I look around and see everyone quiet. Well shit. 

I sit down again and fiddle with the beer bottle.

“Sorry, ” I mumble. 

Ryan looks at me with his brows risen. God this is so embarrassing. 

“Right, well,” he says slowly and carefully. “Maybe that’s enough party games for tonight.” He stands up stretching his arms over his head. 

“Actually I could use a break. I'll ask Andy to stop at the nearest gas station.” And with that he leaves to the front of the bus. 

I nervously pick at the label again feeling everyone's eyes on me. 

 

 

The next twenty minutes of driving feels like forever. Alex has been trying to make the conversation flow, but I can see that he's clearly struggling. Nate seems pissed at Ryan and vice versa. Grayson keeps glancing at me and I keep avoiding his gaze. James joins us shortly after the argument, which was pretty loud to be honest. He sits next to me and has been bugging me since then, trying to see if I'm alright and what exactly happened. It was only mildly exasperating when he started, but now I’m completely over it.

He pokes me in the arm again and I shoot him a glare. He grimaces and rises his hands up in defence, backing off. Thank you. 

The bus slows down and turns, then stops. I glance out the window and notice we’ve pulled into a gas station. There's a neon sign on top that says its open 24hrs, thank god. I really, really need to clear my head. And I could use a proper bathroom after drinking so many beers.

Ryan and Alex immediately get up and they leave the bus. I follow close behind. 

I hop out of the bus onto the concrete road and breathe in the air. It feels clean and it smells of rain and freshly cut grass. I smile when I feel the wind blow softly in my face, ruffling my hair. It's refreshing. 

Ryan and Alex head to the small gas station store and I decide to look for the bathroom. After a short walk, I find it on the back wall of the building and breathe out in relief. 

The door shuts behind me and I turn the lock. I run a hand across my face leaning on the closed door. 

 

What the hell is going? Why is Grayson here?

My chest aches when I think of him. I apologised (in a letter, but still). I wanted to remain on decent terms for the remaining length of the trip, so why the fuck did I let myself get baited into an argument with him again? He messes with my head so much. 

I quickly take a piss and go wash my hands in the sink. I look up to the mirror, running a hand through my hair. I look like a mess. I sigh feeling, honestly just tired. 

I decide that I’ll take a nap when I get back on the bus.

 

I exit and close the door behind me, but as I’m turning the knob, a hand slams into the wall next to me. I jump - surprised, unable to stop the person from pushing me back into the closed door. 

 

I look up and see Grayson staring at me. My stomach clenches. 

“What?” I ask, doing my best to sound bored or annoyed, anything but nervous. I don't think I succeed. 

His mouth is too close to mine. 

He leans in and I hold my breath. 

“Are you fucking serious Ethan?” he says in a quiet but dangerous tone, his hand slamming into the wall again. I flinch a little. 

Of course he's angry, what else would he be. 

“Care to elaborate?” I frown at him. 

“What games are you fucking playing? Are you gonna ignore everything again?” He raises his voice a little. Great. 

I’m really not in the mood for this. 

I take a deep breath. 

“Why are you even here?" I ask quietly, avoiding the question and feeling resigned. I don't wanna shout at him again. 

“What, did you think I was gonna let you go after what happened between us?” He replies, and this time his tone is calmer. I look up at him and notice that his expression has softened, that he's even closer than he was before. My heart speeds up. 

“It shouldn't have happened. I messed up I know that Grayson. Just - lay off me I'm tired, alright? I don't wanna deal with this now,” I say, trying to push my way past him, but he blocks me. 

“Oh you don't wanna deal with this now?” He whispers sending shivers through my body. His eyes darken a little. “When do you eve-”

“Gray,” I say quietly, cutting him off. My voice shakes. “I said I was sorry, alright? Leave me alone.”

He seems taken aback and I use the opportunity to push by him. I start making my way towards the bus quickly. He can't confront me there.

“Wait Ethan,” he grips my arm tightly. 

It burns. I gasp at the pain, feeling my skin open up where the blisters are. Shit. 

Grayson’s eyes widen at my reaction and he let's go. 

“What was-”

“Nothing” I say quickly looking away. I tug at my sleeves. My heart is beating even faster now. I close my eyes trying to calm down.

“Ethan, I-” 

“We'll talk later,” I snap at him and immediately start walking away. To the bus. 

Quickly. 

“Fine!” He shouts behind me and I can tell he's frustrated. 

I get to the bus and stop in my tracks turning to look at him. 

He kicks a pebble, annoyed and it goes flying into the field.

Something wet falls onto my face and I frown. I look up and see the clouds darker than they were before. A strong wind blows and the grass rustles loudly sending a shiver down my spine. 

 

Shortly after it starts raining again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyyy for reading poopsies❤️   
> Tony Bomboni is the manager check him out
> 
> Peace ✌️


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "gorąco, świecę dzwonkiem, bo zdjąłem spodnie  
> ktoś dzwoni dzwonkiem, tym do drzwi, na pewno do mnie"  
> — Michał Hoffmann, Dopsz Bujam
> 
>  
> 
> This is 5k and a roller-coaster you're welcome, enjoyyy

 

The elderly lady behind the counter stops tapping on her typing machine and looks up at us reluctantly. She eyes us slowly from behind her glasses and I feel shivers run down my spine when her gaze meets mine. She has piercing, icy blue eyes.

Tony cleans his throat and she raises a brow at him. 

“We'd like to pick up keys to the rooms we’ve booked.” She doesn't say anything so he goes on. “We made reservations a few weeks ago under the name Bomboni?” 

She listens carefully and then nods. 

“One second,” she says, her voice raspy and unpleasant. I eye the ashtray on her desk and the almost full cigarette pack next to it - most likely the cause of her damaged vocal chords. 

She comes back after a few second holding an old, thick notebook. She sets it in on the wide desk in front of her with a thump and simultaneously reaches for her cigarettes, taking one out and lighting it without even looking.

The cigarette smoke hits my nostrils and I breathe in, feeling an urge to smoke one. I haven't had one since we left Seattle. 

The motel is about an hour away from the city where Ryan's band will be performing this evening. It was cheaper than trying to find a place in the city, and I can definitely see why it was cheap. The place looks really old and uncared for. There's dust all over the shelves in the lobby and the lights are dim, flickering eerily from time to time.

“Ah yes, Bomboni,” she scribbles something in her notebook and exhales, blowing smoke in Tony's face. He coughs and waves at the ashen air, placing a bracing hand in front of his face with a grimace. She doesn't seem to care.

She turns around to grab keys hanging on the board behind her. 

“There.” She hands them to Tony and immediately turns her attention to the typing machine again. 

“Thank you,” Tony mutters, doing his best to remain polite even though he's clearly irritated by the lady's behaviour. He looks at the keys for a while, counting them before handing each of us one. He gets to me and Grayson and glances between us briefly. 

“Since you're so late to the party we didn't really have time to book you a room.” He sends Grayson an apologetic smile. 

“So i thought you wouldn't mind sharing.”

I feel my insides twist at his words. Well, shit. 

Grayson hesitantly takes the key from Tony, glancing at me quickly and our eyes meet. I look away. 

“Yeah sure, uh, no problem,” I say shrugging and Tony sends me a warm smile, relaxing a little. 

 

This is definitely a problem. I am not sharing a bed with Grayson. 

An arm slips around my waist and Ryan rests his chin on my shoulder, hugging me from behind. 

“What room are you guys in?”

Grayson, who stiffens again, holds up the key for Ryan to see. He's gripping it really tightly, I notice. I roll my eyes at him. There's no need for that anger, Jesus. He could at least spare Ryan his bitchy attitude. 

“Hey that's close to mine,” Ryan says smiling when he sees the room number. He leans in a bit closer to my ear. “You should come visit me before the concert tonight,” he whispers in a low voice. His words go straight to my dick. 

 

I hold my breath and nod quickly. 

“Awesome,” Ryan says pulling away, then turning to say something to Alex.

Tony announces that we should probably head to our rooms. I glance at Grayson quickly and see him staring at me with focused intensity, his jaw clenched, and his eyes dark. I feel a shiver run down my spine while my stomach flips uneasily. 

 

 

 

“Really?” I groan, annoyed. Grayson shoots me a glare and shakes his head.

“Just - shut up Ethan.” He wiggles the key around trying to turn the doorknob. 

I tap my foot and fold my arms over my chest. How hard can opening a fucking door be? 

“This thing is like 50 years old,” Grayson mumbles, pulling at the doorknob again. It finally opens - thank god. While waiting, I had seriously begun considering sleeping on the bus instead. 

We enter the room, turning the light on and quickly closing the door behind us to keep the cold air from seeping in. I look around the room and my stomach clenches when I spot the bed. 

 

Actually, maybe sleeping on the tour bus isn’t entirely out of question. 

The bed is tiny at best. There's no way we're gonna fit in it together. Not without touching each other.

I drag a hand over my face. Grayson just scoffs at my reaction and walks past me to dump his stuff on the shelf near the bed. He reaches into the bag and takes out his book, purposefully ignoring me. I frown at that. I thought he’d be all over me again. What is he upset about now? Is it Ryan? 

 

I don't really know why, but I feel a pang of disappointment in my chest at the change in his mood. I shake my head trying to get rid of the feeling. I should be glad he's giving me space. 

I still haven't left my spot next to the door so I shift uncomfortably not really knowing what to do with myself. After a few awkward seconds, I decide to head in the bathroom and freshen up a little - maybe calm myself down while I’m at it. Grayson doesn't look up from his book when I walk past him and I make sure to close the door with more force than necessary so he knows I'm upset too. 

 

I splash some water on my face then run a hand through my hair, messing it up even more than it already is.

I frown at my reflection in the mirror, and it frowns back. I look so much like Grayson right now. The realization makes me sigh. It feels like he’s the one watching me from the mirror right now, judging me as I roll up my sleeves to clean up the popped blisters. He looks disgusted. 

It was a close call when he gripped my arm at the gas station. I need to be more careful around him. 

 

I rummage through my bag for a while before finally finding my bottle of Tylenol. I turn on the tap, then lower my head, drinking a mouthful of water before quickly popping a pill. Actually the meds turned out to be more useful than I thought they would since they also helped ease the pain in my arms. After giving it a second thought I pop another one, because why the hell not, my arms are burning right now. 

 

I turn around and leave the bathroom, keeping my eyes away from the mirror and avoiding Grayson’s judging gaze. My gaze. 

 

I grab my cigarettes and leave the room slamming the door behind me again.

 

 

I find Ryan's room quickly as there's only two other ones between his and mine. To my disappointment, he's hanging out with Alex, playing cards. I was kinda hoping I’d catch him alone - for obvious reasons. 

They offer for me to join, but I'm not really into cards and I didn’t know any good games even if I was, so I just decide to watch. 

“So Ethan,” Alex says not looking up from his cards. “Everything alright between you and Gray?”

The question makes my stomach flip. I pick at the dead skin around my nails, suddenly feeling really, really uncomfortable. 

“Uh, yeah I guess,” my voice shakes a little “He just gets on my nerves sometimes.”

Alex doesn't even look at me, only hums in response but my heart is beating crazy fast right now.

“Just thought it was a bit odd that you seemed really upset with each other yesterday,” Ryan says and I wish he would just drop the subject. I don't wanna talk about Grayson with him or with Alex. “After, you know, you asked me to let him come.”

 

....What? I did what?

I frown.

What’s he talking about? I didn’t even fucking want Grayson here! My mind starts racing then but I force myself to laugh it off. 

 

“Yeah, you know how siblings are. Always getting on each other nerves, but can't last a day apart.” I cringe at how fake happy my words are. Good thing both Ryan and Alex are too focused on their game to notice. 

“I guess you're right,” Ryan shrugs. “It seemed like you and Gray were really close, and I- I don't know I-” he glances to Alex quickly. “We- just assumed that something serious had to happen for you to snap at each other like that.”

 

Well shit.

I feel like I've been caught with my pants down. Could they possibly... 

I shake my head. This is ridiculous, there's no way they would know about Grayson and I. I'm being paranoid. They just asked a simple question and it wasn't even specific. I nervously fiddle with my hands, frowning again when I notice they're a bit clammy. 

 

Get a grip, fuck. 

“Nah, we-” I begin, feeling my throat getting tight. “We've always been like that”

The words couldn't be further away from truth. 

Ryan looks up at me curiously and I smile weakly at him trying to look convincing. I just hope he drops the subject. My heart aches when I lie about Grayson and I.

 

We've never been like that.

“I see,” Ryan says, deciding to give me a break. He doesn't look like he’s bought what I’m saying though.

He turns his attention to the cards again and now that I think about it, the game seems interesting. Anything to take my mind off Grayson. 

 

 

I actually end up playing a round or two of poker but can't say I'm any good at it. After a while, I relax more and start enjoying the game even if I keep losing which is unusual for me. I guess I'm just grateful to do anything other than talk about Gray.

 

 

Time passes quicker when we're playing and soon, Alex gets up stretching his arms over his head.

“Alright guys, I'll leave you alone now,” He says, making my eyes snap to him and my cheeks blush violently. 

 

Now, all of a sudden? 

“Gotta shower before the show today,” He says answering my silent question.

“Oh right.” Ryan looks just as surprised as me to see it's already time to start getting ready. 

Alex eyes him skeptically.

“Don't be late again, Ry,” he says, earning an eye roll from Ryan. “Don't want Nate to start bitching before the show again. We're under enough pressure as it is.” 

“Yeah, yeah I got it.” Ryan waves his hand in the air. “I'll be on time, alright.”

 

Alex seems somewhat mollified by that response, because he nods while his shoulders relax ever-so slightly. He turns to leave the room, but before he does that, he winks quickly in my direction. My stomach flips. 

 

The door closes behind Alex and Ryan lets out a stream of air. I shift, feeling slight anxious as I realise that we're finally alone. 

 

“You ok?” Ryan asks, turning to me and probably noticing the tension in my body.

“Uh, yeah I'm good,” I say, feeling my heart racing when he leans in closer. 

“You sure? You seemed really stressed today...” His voice becomes deeper and I shiver slightly. “I can help you relax a little.”

I feel so giddy its ridiculous. I really don't want to fuck this up.

“Actually,” I whisper, leaning in. “Go on.”

Ryan smirks at my answer and then he quickly closes the gap between us, pressing his lips to mine. I immediately respond, my hand going straight to his face to cup his cheek.

The kiss is sweet, much softer than our makeout in the bathroom stall. It's still urgent and a bit messy, but Ryan's lips are definitely less aggressive now. I enjoy the kiss as much as I did before, if not more. He slips his tongue into my mouth and I kiss back harder, moving my hand from his cheek to the back of his neck, down his back, and rest it above his ass. A soft moan escapes his lips and I feel my pants get tighter. 

Feeling more confident, I slowly but firmly push him onto his back and start placing kisses all over his neck. My hand travels down his chest and lower until I palm him through his jeans. He gasps and I pull away to find him smirking at me. 

“About time,” he says breathlessly, and I honestly couldn't agree more. I grin and kiss him again quickly, before going to unbuckle his belt. 

“Wait,” he says, and I stop, looking at him in surprise. He just smirks again and quickly takes his shirt off, tossing in to the floor. “Your turn.”

 

I bite my lip nervously. 

I remember how Emma reacted when she first saw my arms. It ruined the mood completely. I try to think of an excuse to get away from doing it, but Ryan already tugs at my shirt and I give in. Here goes. 

He doesn't seem surprised, even though I can barely see his face. I'm too scared to look at him. His hand rests on my cheek and he turns my head so I'm facing him.

 

“Don't worry about them... I knew,” he says, shrugging, looking as careless as ever. My chest tightens at his words. 

“You did? Does anyone else...” I feel a surge of latent anxiety building up. Shit.

“No, I don't think so,” he says and I relax a little. “Hey Ethan, look at me.” 

I do, reluctantly.

“I knew right away. I saw them. When we met.” He gives me an encouraging half smile and shrugs. “I like you anyway.” I nod a look down, feeling immensely grateful that he doesn't make it a big deal. It's not. I breathe out in relief.

 

“Now,” he says, before leaning in to suck on my earlobe. “Wanna top or bottom?”

I blink, taken aback a little. So we really are getting straight to the point. I didn't expect him to take everything so well. Emma was an emotional wreck when she found out. I shake off the weird feeling, and try to gather back some of the some of the mood from earlier.

“I'll top,” I say, my voice not quite steady. Ryan smirks and kisses me urgently. 

 

“Condom,” I pant some time later, rubbing against him impatiently.

He nods and I tear the wrapping in two with my teeth. My hands shake ever so slightly while I roll it on.

 

The bed rocks back and forth, springs protesting loudly, as I thrust in and out of Ryan. He wraps his legs around my waist and drags his hands across my back leaving marks all over it. I don't mind at all. It feels amazing to be honest. I can be rough with Ryan, with a guy. With Emma I had to be careful. I pull out all the way and slam into him with more force and we both moan and Ryan throws his head back, grinning. He wraps his legs around me tighter, pulling me in and I moan again, feeling him squeeze around me. I feel myself getting closer to the edge with each thrust, my legs slowly growing more tired and-

 

I slow down suddenly, turning my attention to the door. Was someone knocking? What time was it?

 

“Keep going,” Ryan breathes out, moving his hand from my back to start stroking himself. I bite my lip and nod, thinking I probably misheard the noise. The bed squeaks rhythmically underneath us. I change my angle a little and speed up again and-

There it is again.

“Did someone just knock on the door?” I ask, slowing down again. 

“What?” Ryan frowns at me, his hand on his cock not slowing down. He probably doesn't care about anything but coming at this point. 

“What time is it?”

“Ethan, seriously--”

The doors opens with a loud squeak and I freeze. 

 

“Uh Ryan, hey are you--”

 

Oh god.

My eyes widen and I quickly look away from the door, my face burning from embarrassment.

 

Fucking Grayson, really? Now of all the inconvenient times?

“Shit.” He says a bit breathlessly and the door shuts again. 

Then it opens again, just a little this time. Cool air seeps in from the outside and I shiver slightly. 

“Ryan, the guys are waiting for you. Hurry up.”

 

I feel a surge of frustration swell within me. Does Grayson have to ruin everything? 

“Uh, yea sure give us a second,” Ryan says, and goes back to jerking himself before Grayson even closes the door. He doesn't mind at all huh?

“C'mon Ethan help me out here,” he moans, sounding wrecked. 

I look at him completely baffled. I feel frustrated and humiliated and not in the mood at all. 

“Uh, I-- Fine,” I start moving my hips again, but just to get him off. It works and shortly after, he comes all over his stomach with a moan. I pull out, feeling my cock ache from not being able to come but at the same time not wanting to do that with Grayson standing under our door. 

Ryan runs a hand through his sweaty hair, messing it up even more than it already was. 

“C'mon your turn I'll give you a hand,” he says, but I move away slightly. God this just got awkward. 

“I-uh, Ill take care of it myself. You should go get ready for the show.” I mumble. 

A slight frown appears on his face before he shrugs and he gets up from the bed, searching the floor for his clothes. I quickly grab my sweatshirt, feeling more and more uncomfortable. 

“You coming to the show tonight?” Ryan asks already finishing putting on his clothes. 

 

Where Grayson is gonna be? After he just walked in on us? 

 

“Nah, thanks. I.. I'm still tired after the bus ride. Ill nap.” I start picking at skin at my nails. 

“Alright suit yourself.” He shrugs again. “But I gotta leave now, so…”

“Oh, right,” I quickly get up and put on my boxers and jeans. I frown seeing how I still have I boner. I'll take care of that once everyone leaves for the show. 

 

Ryan stops in the doorframe following me with his eyes as I approach him. He rests his hand on the doorknob and places a quick kiss under my ear. I rub the back of my neck. 

“Thanks for the sex babe.” He winks at me and smiles before exiting the room. I follow him out.

 

We quickly say goodbyes and I kiss him goodnight because I'll probably be sleeping when he comes back from the show.

 

He leaves and I make my way towards my room feeling frustrated and disappointed. Everything was going well until Grayson showed up. Did it have to be him? 

 

I turn the doorknob, trying to open the door but it gets stuck. Fucking hell. I punch the wall angrily, bruising my knuckles. I turn the lock and push at the door again, using full force this time. It flies open and I enter and shut it closed behind me. 

I sigh and turn around. 

 

The fuck? 

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I say through gritted teeth narrowing my eyes and Grayson. 

 

He's sitting there on my bed with his fucking stupid book in his lap. I feel my blood boiling.

He looks just as thrown off as me. 

He closes his book with a thud. 

“I was going to ask you the same thing, actually,” he says, failing to sound as calm as he probably wanted to. His jaw clenches. 

“Why-- What the fuck are you doing here?” I say taking a step forward. He doesn't move. 

“I didn't wanna go, so?” he narrows his eyes. “And what are you doing here? Done fucking with Ryan already?”

“Don't.” I take a step forward again. I clench my fist, nails digging into the palm of my hand. 

“Aren't you gonna watch your boyfriend perform tonight? Don't wanna fuck in the bathroom later?” He mocks and I swear I'm gonna throw hands any minute now. 

“Would you fucking stop with Ryan already!” I shout, trembling with anger. “Do you really wanna ruin this for me so badly?! Fuck you, Grayson!”

He doesn't reply so I go on.

“What the hell are you even doing here! I- I didn't ask for any of this!”

He stands up and I stop in my tracks. 

“Fuck you, Ethan!” He's trembling too. “You think I'm here just to mess with you?” He takes a step forward and I watch him intensely. 

“You’re the one messing with my head!” He shouts and my eyes widen and my heart skips a beat. 

 

Does he really feel like that?

 

He comes close and pushes me back slightly. 

“You didn't ask for any of this? Why did you blow me then?” He says a bit quieter but with the same amount of anger.

“It was a mistake and I said I-”

“Bullshit! That isn't something you do by mistake for fucks sake!” He keeps walking forward and I back up until my back hits the wall. I hold my breath as he rests his hand above me head. 

“Why did you blow me Ethan? Why did you let me kiss you, earlier? What do you want?”

My stomach clenches at his words. I try to look away. 

“Look, forget it just don't-”

“I found out what shotgunning really is. Why didn't you stop me then?”

“Fuck, Grayson, I don't know okay?!” I snap “Just- Just stop and don't come between me and Ryan!”

“Oh you and Ryan, huh?” He whispers. I shiver. His eyes turn darker. 

“How did that go?” he says, pointing down at my crotch. At my apparently very visible boner. Which, by the way is only getting bigger for some reason. 

I blush violently. The fuck? 

“Would be better if you didn't fucking interrupt” i say quietly, my words dripping with venom.

Grayson’s eyes darken and he leans in closer again. His mouth brushes against my ear and I push my back further into the wall. My head is spinning. 

 

“Want me to make it up to you?”

 

My knees feel weak. My pants get way too tight. My throat tightens too. Grayson pulls away slightly, searching my eyes for an answer. I close them, not wanting him to see. 

 

“What do you want, Ethan?” he whispers in a low, hoarse voice, and the sound of it goes straight to my dick. “What is it?”

 

“You--” I say so quietly I wonder if he even hears me. I don't dare open my eyes. “I want-- you, this-- I want this, I-”

 

Grayson slowly slides his knee in between my legs, pushing lightly against my crotch, and I gasp, opening my eyes.

We stare at each other hungrily before I reach behind him to the back of his neck, pulling him in, our lips clashing together in a heated kiss. It's urgent and messy and I wrap my leg around his waist, pushing him into me even more. A choked moan escapes his mouth and I feel his cock rub on my thigh and, god, he's hard too. I fist his sweater, pulling him closer and kissing him harder than before, then I pull away and rest my forehead against his. 

“The bed,” I say breathlessly and he just nods. 

We kiss again and clumsily stumble backwards to the mattress. He falls on his back and I land on top of him. I break the kiss and look down on him with big eyes, panting sightly. 

He licks his lips and follows the path my hand takes as he guides it down to his pants. Gray had apparently changed his clothes for the evening, so the material there is thin and soft and nothing like the hard denim he wore the night I blew him. I palm him through the light fabric, pressing down on his cock before rubbing it, carefully watching his face for a reaction. He gasps and closes his eyes, tensing up slightly.

He looks so hot like this.

Not wanting to waste any time, I reach for the drawstring and roughly pull at his pants, sliding them down with his boxers. I grab his cock and give it a few strokes, and it's hot and heavy in my hand. 

Grayson moans softly and I lean down to suck him off, but he stops me, pushing my head back. I frown at him, but he just sits up and goes for my pants quickly, undoing the buttons and pulling both jeans and underwear down as well. 

He reaches for my shirt before I quickly stop him and shake my head. He blushes, but backs down. Thank god.

I push him down, spreading his legs apart. He blushes violently and quickly scoots away.

 

“Wait.” 

I quirk an eyebrow at him.

“I'm the top,” he says.

 

What?

My stomach drops.

“No way,” I say, my voice slightly unsteady. “I know what to do. I'm on top.”

He shakes his head.

“Grayson. You've never fucked a guy before. I'll top.”

His lips draw a thin line and he narrows his eyes at me. 

“So?” He says leaning over me, getting close to my ear. A shiver runs down my spine. “You're the gay one.”

“I’m bisexual,” I say through gritted teeth, but he nibbles at my earlobe and reaches for my cock, stroking it slowly. He pushes this thumb into the slit. I whimper and buck my hips a little as my head lulls back.

He smirks against my skin and moves his other hand to my chest, pushing me further into the bed. I try to protest, but he tightens his grip on me, then he sucks on the sensitive spot below my ear so that my knees turn to jelly. Shivering, I comply and lie all the way down while he slowly keeps pumping away at my cock. In one fluid motion, he settles heavily on top of me and uses his knee to spread my legs apart. 

I gasp when I feel his finger press against my entrance. Gray pulls away and looks at me with dark eyes. 

God I can't believe we're actually doing this. 

 

“Alright,” I whisper shakily. “You top.”

His hand stills and he bites his lip before briefly looking away. I thought he’d be happy that I gave in.

“What?” I furrow my brows.

“Do you- uh do you have any, you know, lube?”

 

My eyes widen. I don't. I groan. 

Well-

“Fuck it.” I say impatiently. “Spit.”

He looks at me with wide eyes. 

“Are you sure?”

I roll my eyes at him. 

“Yes I'm fucking sure, now hurry up before I change my mind.”

He nods quickly and moves his hand closer to his mouth, bringing his fingertips to his lips. Then he pauses, gives me a contemplative look, before presenting me with an open fist. I stare at him in disbelief, but he doesn't waver. 

 

“Open up,” he demands, whisper soft.

He nudges my lips with his fingers and I reclutantly do as he says. I flick my tongue out - unsure - before deciding to just go for it and suck all three, staring at him with lidded eyes. He bites back a groan and follows the rise and fall of my head so intently that my stomach clenches. His pupils are blown wide now, appearing almost black in the room’s dim light. 

Grayson pulls his dripping fingers back and reaches in between us. I hold my breath as he starts rubbing slow circles into my hole, applying just a little pressure to start. He pushes his index finger in and I gasp at the sensation. It feels foreign and intrusive and almost painful. His other hand reaches over to my cock, and he begins stroking it, trying to keep me relaxed. I close my eyes and take deep breaths, silently talking myself into getting used to his finger moving inside of me. All of this feels so surreal. 

Grayson leans in closer and sucks on that sensitive spot again, making me moan softly. 

“You look so hot,” he says against my skin, his warm breath making me shiver. He squeezes the base of my cock as he slides in a second finger, and I fist the sheets, squeezing my eyes shut while he shimmies down my body.

His lips are hot around my cock, and when he sucks lightly, I feel myself start to drip as he continues to finger me. 

Honestly, I’m not sure what I was expecting, but whatever it was, I didn't expect it to feel quite this good. 

Just as I'm getting used to the sensation, he pulls out and grabs at my calfs roughly, guiding my legs around his waist. He spits into his hand and gives his cock a few strokes before lining it up with my hole.

“Aren't you gonna try for three? ” I ask breathlessly.

“Don't have the patience for it right now,” he replies, voice thread bare and broken.

My eyes widen, and just as I'm about to protest, he pushes in, his dick wet with spit and precum, making me moan loudly. 

 

I bite the inside of my cheek while we stare at each other in silence. 

Shit. The walls are so thin here, the whole motel probably heard that. Glad the rest of the band are gone for now. 

Grayson slowly pulls out and pushes back in, and we both groan loudly at the feeling. I can feel every inch of him inside of me. It's so bizzare I can barely process that its actually happening. 

 

My brother is fucking me. 

“Are you okay?" he asks, his face full of concern and tightly controlled pleasure.

 

He has his dick inside of me. 

“Yea,” I nod impatiently, wanting there to be less talking and more fucking.

 

Grayson starts to thrust in earnest, then slowly picks up speed as I try to wrap my head around the whole thing. I can’t though - maybe too caught up in the moment - so I wrap my legs around his waist instead, pulling him in closer, while deciding to focus on a crack in the ceiling. Drowning in the sound of skin slapping on skin in the otherwise quiet room. 

 

Gray’s dick is up my ass. 

He changes his angle slightly, hitting a sensitive spot inside of me, and my eyes snap back to him. Oh god. 

 

That felt good. 

“Do that again,” I whisper, and he leans in and kisses me. It's tender only in that his lips are soft against my own when his tongue curls possessively around mine in harsh, demanding strokes. I push up on my arms, my hands reaching up - fingers grasping tightly at the base of his neck.

He pulls out all the way - to the tip - and then he slams into me again, hitting that spot again with full force. I clutch at his neck and bite hard on the fabric of his shirt, trying to prevent myself from moaning as loudly as I had before. 

Sweat appears on Graysons forehead, making his hair stick to the skin as he continues to roll and thrust his hips. God, I wish we could both take off our sweatshirts, but I wasn’t ready yet to let him see my scars. I'm positive he wouldn't be nearly as okay with them as Ryan seemed to be.

Grayson’s breathing becomes ragged, his thrusts break pace, and I can tell he’s tiring. He pulls out, then slides in agonizingly slow, letting out a choked moan and closing his eyes shut while shuddering slightly. 

“Gonna come,” he breathes out. I only nod and wrap my legs around him tighter.

He comes then, spilling inside of me, and I watch his mouth fall open in muted pleasure. It doesn’t seem possible, but Grayson looks even hotter now than he did when I sucked him off. 

He pulls out and I whine reflexively at the sensation. 

His cum runs down my thigh onto the sheets, and I feel bad for whoever will have to clean that later. Thank god we were only gonna be here one night. I’d be too embarrassed if I had to look at any of the cleaning ladies in their face after tomorrow.

Grayson wastes no time as he pushes three fingers back in. It doesn't feel like enough, but then he curls them up and one finds that place inside of me again. White heat races up my spine and I bite my lip hard, quivering as one hand presses in while the other jerks me off at the same time.

My eyes roll to the back of my head, and as he continues to massage and rub against that toe curling spot, I reach the edge and come hard, shuddering as I spill all over Grayson’s hand and my sweatshirt. 

 

Well. 

So that happened. 

 

We look at each other, sweaty and panting and tired, and both very much aware that there was no going back now. 

I sit up, slowly, wincing a little, and Grayson smiles at me apologetically. I rest my back against the wall, trying to compose myself. He lays beside me, our legs barely touching. We remain in silence for a while, breathing heavily, both of us wrecked.

 

I give his thigh a reassuring squeeze before getting up and putting on my pants. 

“Where’re you going?” He asks with an anxious, raspy voice. 

“Just for a smoke,” I say, avoiding his gaze. 

He runs a hand through his hair.

 

“Are you gonna pretend like this didn’t happen too?”

I reluctantly look up at him and see how glassy his eyes are, a sheen of unshed tears filling them.

I sigh. 

“No.” 

He nods but his shoulders remain tense. I smile sadly before turning to the door and walking out.

 

I lean against the balcony railing, taking out my pack of cigarettes. I light one and take a long, long drag, closing my eyes and letting the smoke fill my lungs completely. The cool night air blows on my face, and I look up towards the sky. It’s the first time since we left home that I see stars. 

 

Grayson and I had sex. We fucked. Well, he fucked me. 

And it felt amazing.

 

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. At least we're in this weird, incestuos shithole together.

I hear footsteps and look in the direction that they're coming from, only to see the technician, (Michał was it?) approach me. 

He stayed too? Where was his room exactly? 

 

My stomach drops a little when I see him, but he doesn't say anything. Just comes closer and leans on the railway next to me. I take out my pack of cigarettes and silently hand it to him. He sends me a grateful smile, taking one out and quickly lighting it. We smoke in comfortable silence, admiring the clear sky. 

 

“Ale urwał,” he says silently and I have no idea what that means. 

“Yeah,” I nod, smiling. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy thanks for reading!  
> I know this took a bit longer to upload than usual but it was a long chapter and both me and Gracerevealed, who's been helping me out with editing, have been busy soo it took a while heh 😅  
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter😼😼
> 
> Its only gonna go downhill from now oops
> 
> Peace!✌️


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Love is at the root of everything. All learning… All parenting… All relationships… Love or the lack of it.”
> 
> – Won’t You Be My Neighbor (2018), Dir. Morgan Neville

I  wake up earlier than usual, Grayson digging his elbow into my side and hogging most of our blanket. Maybe saying ‘wake up’ instead of nudging him hard in the ribs is a bit generous considering how I wasn’t able to sleep much in the first place. 

I shiver when my bare feet touch the cold floor as I sit on the side of the bed. The wooden panels squeak under my weight when I slowly stand up, grimacing in pain still sore from yesterday. From when me and Grayson had sex. 

 

Right.

I drag a hand over my face, feeling exhausted both mentally and physically. I gave up on forcing myself to sleep hours ago, deciding to just lay on the bed and rest my eyes instead. I quickly glance at Grayson, who’s already moved into the spot I left and snoring loudly. How he’s able to even sleep so soundly after last night I have no idea. Maybe because he’s not the one wincing in pain every time he tries to turn over because he’s just got fucked in the ass for the first time. Still can’t believe I agreed to that.

Grayson shuffles again as I shut the bathroom door behind me. 

 

 

The luke warm water feels soothing and almost refreshing where it hits my body. I close my eyes and rest my forehead against the bathroom tiles, feeling all remnants of dried sweat and cum wash away from my skin. Didn’t feel like showering yesterday - don’t care if that’s gross or whatever. It was late. I stayed out smoking with Michał for a while instead. 

The memory makes me reflexively run a tongue over the roof of my mouth, then frown at the lingering, sooty taste of hours old cigarettes. It happens. When you smoke so much that your tongue feels slightly burned after - but in the moment you don’t care, and you only stop when it doesn’t feel so good anymore. When it’s too much and the smoke makes you want to throw up.

 

Or you don’t stop. Because your dad doesn’t let you. Because you were dumb enough to think that you wouldn’t get caught smoking on the balcony, when you assumed everyone was asleep. But you did, and now he says since since you were so eager and bold to smoke at home in the first damn place that you have to smoke the whole pack. So you do, to prove to him that you can or because you don’t want to argue right now, I don’t know, but you don’t stop until the whole pack is empty and the ashtray is full. 

You vomit in your bathroom later when he actually goes to sleep, tears stinging your eyes, but you do your best not to let them fall (though they inevitably do). Tears of anger, or maybe exhaustion or shame, or maybe all of it mixed together, stain your cheeks.

It works though, enough to stop you from smoking for the next half a year or so. Just the memory of the unpleasant taste of the cheap cigarettes you bought in that  shady deli makes something inside your stomach twist anxiously. Or maybe it wasn’t the sight of the cigarettes but that other memory of choking on your own vomit because snot filled your nose, that makes you sick with nerves. You remember how you had trouble trying to catch your breath between waves of puke. You can’t forget feeling dirty and humiliated, and wishing he’d just hit you instead like he always does, instead of this. You remember being unable to get rid of that burning smell for a whole week after, the smell that makes you want to scrach your skin off and rip out your hair, because it's unbearable the smell, the feeling, everything and godthisismakingmesick

And even though it’s been years since it happened, the memory still makes y so you scratch at your arm until it bleeds, scarlet red it burns and it hurts but then you look at the blood trickling down your wrist and all of a sudden you feel calmer. 

 

 

The red mingles with the clear drops on the tiles, and flows with all the rest of the water down the drain. I watch it swirl and disappear, and as fresh  blood drips from the scabs all over my forearms that my nails reopened. 

The smell of iron hits my nostrils. 

Shit. 

 

Grayson knocks on the bathroom door and I realize that I’ve just been standing in the shower for a while with soap all over me.

“One second,” I shout and start washing away the foamy residue and the blood too. Especially the blood. 

I dry off and quickly throw on a sweatshirt. After, I check the mirror silently acknowledging that I look a fucking mess but whatever because at least I’m clean now. 

I pop a pill and unlock the door.

Grayson sends me a suspicious look and I shift uncomfortably, moving over from the doorframe to let him into the bathroom. He must be wondering what I’m even doing up. He’s the early riser, not me.

“Took you long enough,” he says walking past me and taking out his toothbrush. I shrug at him.

“You always take long,” I point out. 

I see him scrunch up his nose in the mirror, and for a second, my heart stops. He can’t smell the blood, right? There wasn’t that much of it.

God I’m paranoid.

“Okay, fair,” he says absently, not really meeting where my eyes watch him in the reflection of the mirror. He quickly inspects the tub instead and I follow his gaze checking for any signs of blood. 

Nothing. It’s clean.

I breathe out silently in relief. 

 

“I brought your soap, you know, so you can stop using mine now,” he finally says, catching me off guard.

Oh.

I didn’t think he noticed or cared. I feel my cheeks getting warmer.

“Uh, yeah,” I shift again, tightening my grip on my towel. “Thanks.”

Grayson smirks at me, looking amused and I turn on my heel and quickly leave the bathroom. I close the door behind me maybe with a little more force than necessary. 

 

I lean against the wall and run a hand through my hair. My heart is still beating fast. 

 

I wait until I hear the water turn on, before lifting up my sleeve - which actually is stuck to my arm now. I bite the inside of my cheek so that I don’t hiss with pain. 

 

I’ll have to take care of that later, once Grayson leaves the bathroom. 

 

 

I suddenly feel very tired then, overwhelmed. And not only because I didn't get much sleep. 

But because I’ll have to clean myself up again.

Because I slept with Ryan and I slept with Grayson the same eveing. Or that I slept with Grayson at all. 

Because I don’t know where this is all going and I can’t wrap my head around it.

Because Grayson didn’t hold me this night like he would if things were normal between us. Because I feel so lost and could someone, anyone, please hold me for a while?

 

***

 

My sister Cameron has beautiful long, dark hair which has always smelled nice. She’s really smart and she used to draw a lot when she was younger. Sometimes me and Grayson joined her when she drew, even if we weren’t nearly as good at it as she was. Cam would always make fun of us, then ask us to draw her more pictures, only to find out years later that she actually kept some of our drawings in her desk. 

 

One time me and Gray asked her to help paint our room and she drew a huge dick on our wall. Mind you it was a very detailed dick, and not at all something as simple as you'd draw in your friends math notebook. When dad found out he was furious. He yelled at her for hours.

Cameron’s also really pretty and she’s had a lot of boyfriends. She rarely brought them home, but she told me stories with all the details, so I feel like I’ve met them. None of them went with her to high school and most of them were significantly older than she was. There were plenty of boys willing to date her in high school, so I never understood why she kept trying with the older guys, especially since those relationships never worked out well.

Cameron was really popular in high school too, always invited to parties and she smoked all the time, a lot of weed and a lot of cigarettes. She often came home really late and our dad yelled at her every time, but she didn’t seem to care. I don't know if she did. 

She cleaned out the ashtray after I was forced to smoke that whole pack so I wouldn’t have to. She got me and Grayson black out drunk when she brought us our first vodka bottle, and she rubbed my back later in the bathroom when I was puking my guts out.

 

When my sister moved out two years before Grayson and I did, well... It’s safe to say it was one of hardest things to deal with, even if I knew why she was leaving as soon as she could. After Grayson, I think she’s the second most important person in my life.

 

No, scratch that. I know she is.

 

***

 

“N-No I-... Listen, Ian,” James stops playing with the telephone cord and pinches the bridge of his nose. He leans against the wall havily. “I didnt mean it that way. I'm just trying to make sure everything’s alright,” he finishes quietly.

I find the telephone in the lobby fairly quickly but it’s already occupied by James, and he's been trying to talk to Ian for the last 20 minutes but I can see he's struggling. 

James takes a deep breath. 

“Alright, well-- how's it at home? Aunt Helen doing alright?” His expression relaxes so I’m guessing they've moved on from whatever touchy subject James was fumbling over. Even though I’m annoyed with how long he’s taking, I still kinda feel bad for him. Trying to talk to your pain in the ass brother can be tough. 

“Oh- ...You think maybe I should call her now?”

Scratch felling bad for the kid.

I glare at him instead, because I really don’t think I can wait through another James Charles phonecall. The guy doesn't shut up.

I clear my throat and only then he seems to acknowledge that I'm still waiting for him to finish his conversation. His cheeks turn a light shade of pink and he sends me an apologetic smile. I roll my eyes at him. 

“You know, uh, actually tell her I’ll call later. I think Ethan will kill me if he has to wait any longer for the phone,” he says, getting ready to hang up. 

Thank you! God, how long can one call take?

Just when I think he’s done, he stops midway and I groan in frustration. James chooses to ignore that. 

“Yeah, he's right here. Oh- uh, sure yea no problem.” He gestures for me to walk over and hands me the phone. 

Uh, ok? 

I look at him with raised eyebrows, clueless, but he just shrugs. 

“Your friend wanted to talk to you? That girl uh.. Antonio, was it?”

I frown.

“Antonio?” 

“Yeah.” He puts the phone in my hand because I haven't made the effort to take it from him. Not that I don't  _want_  to talk to Antonio, it’s just caught me by suprise. Suddenly I have a bad feeling about whatever I’m about to hear. 

“Hello?” I say hesitantly. 

“Ethan, hey. It's Antonio?”

“Uh, yea I know. Everything alright?” I can't stop the concern from creeping into my voice. 

James pokes me in the shoulder and I glare at him, annoyed.

“After you talk to your sister, I wanna call my aunt. Anyone asks, I’m in line after you.”

I just wave him off. 

“Ethan? You here?”

“Yeah.” I turn my attention to Antonio again. “You good?”

“Yeah, I'm doing fine.”

I feel tension leave my shoulders at her words. Not sure why I was getting so worked up in the first place.

“Oh good.” I say with a small, relived smile. “I thought that you know, uh, there was an issue or something.”

“Nah, I'm good. I just wanted to talk.”

Oh. 

I don’t say anything. I’m not sure what to say to be honest.

“How are you feeling?” She asks casually, as if we’re old friends and hadn’t just met each other a few weeks ago.

“Fine. A little tired, I uh, I couldn't sleep much.” I run a hand through my hair not really knowing what else to say. 

“Really? I had a dream about you, actually. Maybe that's why, there's a saying about that I think.”

“A saying?” I ask, feeling really confused. 

“That if you can't sleep, you're in someone's dream.”

“What? What was it about anyway?”

"The dream?”

“Yeah,” I answer, actually curious now.

“I dont remember that much, uh, we were driving? It was summer, I think, because I felt warm, and it was really bright. I couldn't see much.”

“Something was playing on the radio.”

I hum unconsciously then in response to her words.

“It was a nice dream.” Antonio adds. and I smile. 

“Sounds like it.” 

“Yeah uh, look I should probably go,” she says abruptly, and I don’t know why I feel so disappointed when I hear that. “Will you call again?” She adds sounding almost hopeful. 

“Sure,” I shrug. 

“Cool. Talk to you later then.”

“Yeah, later.” I hastitate before adding, “Have a good day Antonio.”

“Thanks! You too.” I can hear the smile in her voice before she hangs up. 

Unexpected as the call was, I find that it was actually quite calming speaking to her. A nice change from the constant anxiety that’s been bubbling beneath my skin since stepping on the tour bus two days ago. I quickly try to process the fact that her words made me feel better even though she didnt really say anything special. 

Huh. 

 

I file that realization away for another time and shake my head, forcing myself to focus on dialing Cameron’s number. I haven't spoken to her in ages. 

There’s a bit of noise on the other side, and I hear the muffled sound of her speaking (to her roommates maybe) before she actually puts the receiver near her ear.

“Hello?”

“Cam, hey, its Ethan.” 

 

She laughs shortly and I smile at the sound. As much as I didn't like her leaving home, she  _does_  seem to be doing better and better every time I talk to her now. 

“Thanks for clarifying. You guys sound identical over the phone.” She pauses. “What's up? Is Gray around?”

“Nope just me now - just wanted to talk. How are you?”

And she tells me. About her roommate coming out as a lesbian, and about a party they had recently - and it only seems appropriate that I casually mention that I'm into guys now - and she just says she's always known. Or at least she’s always suspected. 

I find out all about her new boyfriend, how he's 8 years older and has a pickup truck, and that when Gray and I visit, we can sit in the back and she’ll drive us around. In response I tell her that we actually might drop by because we're on a tour. And I tell her about the tour when she asks, and all about Ryan and fuck. It feels so amazing to talk to someone so freely without any tension, or frustration, or any other bullshit emotion present, that I can’t hold in the small laugh that escapes.

 

She tells me she cut her hair recently, just above the shoulders. I know she feels proud about it, because mom always told her not to, and for some reason, she never did it without her permission. 

 

I smile because I’m proud too, that she cut it. And I smile because it's good to hear her voice again, and to hear her sound so happy and carefree for once. 

And I smile mainly because Cameron’s my sister, and we can just be without having any of the weird, ever present tension that exists between Grayson and I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii!
> 
> I know I haven't posted in a while and really I'm so sorry I hope you haven't forgotten about me yet heh  
> I have been dealing with some issues and I had to sort a few things out sooo
> 
> However I am very very excited to post again and hopefully come out with the next chapter soon and make writing a habit again but It may take a while because I'm still dealing with stuff that is making it hard for me to focus on writing rip ok enough of that
> 
> Anyway hope you enjoyed the chapter even if it's a bit calmer than the last one hah
> 
> Love you all, peace ✌️

**Author's Note:**

> Ty for reading, I want to write some more soo if anyones interested let me know :))


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